In many ways, things in the modern world are not built to last. Clothes wear out easily, furniture is mass produced, high-rises are built in alarmingly short periods of time (and start falling apart soon after!) and even modern technology, despite the high price points, is designed to break and be replaced by newer models.
We have come to accept that long-term, high-commitments are no longer possible.
And yet, when it comes to relationships, I rarely meet anyone who wants their relationships to be short-term, superficial or low-investment.
We all want to build a relationship that lasts
Fundamentally, human beings crave connection. We hope for someone to build plans with. We dream of growing up with our friends and then watching our kids play together one day as we wear our mum joggers, drink coffee and complain about the stress of the school run (or is that just my future vision?!).
But, it’s really bloody difficult to build relationships that last these days!
The popularity of Tinder led to a hook-up culture and expectations of instant gratification and short-term flings. Globalisation meant that it was easier than ever to relocate overseas, creating obstacles to settling down and finding a stable relationship. And the rise of social media also led (in my opinion) to people devoting less time to nurturing real relationships and becoming more disconnected in reality.
In these crazy times, we need a blueprint for building a relationship that lasts.
Which is why I have decided to do a blog series on relationships!
I feel that after a few years of working in couples therapy and helping individuals resolve their relationship issues, as well as navigating my own marriage, I have some things to say on this topic.
So, come with me on this journey that will cover online dating, red flags, when to break-up and when to make-up, communication, loneliness, expectations, money, intimacy and all things relationships!
First stop, 4 valuable lessons I’ve learnt on how to build a relationship that lasts.
1. Friendship (a lesson from a trashy Netflix show) for a relationship that lasts
Early this year, I watched one of the most trashy but binge-worthy Netflix shows- Bridgerton. I will spare you the synopsis and simply say that it’s the Gossip Girl meets Pride and Prejudice fusion we never asked for.
There is a somewhat memorable scene, however, that comes to mind…
Protagonists Simon and Daphne have to stand before the queen to specially request a marriage license which they have been denied. The shrewd queen doesn’t give it to them easily, and demands to know why they want to marry. Daphne produces a superficial narrative about why it was ‘love at first sight’ but Simon speaks from the heart and says that although there was initial attraction, it was not love, but rather a friendship that grew with time. The queen is won over and responds by saying, “you are wise, or perhaps unusually lucky to understand that friendship is the best possible foundation that a marriage can have.”
Friendship is the best possible foundation that a marriage can have
I believe that there is a lot of truth in this.
Any neuropsychologist will tell you that the ‘love hormones,’ largely responsible for infatuation when you ‘fall in love’ with someone, balance out within two years of a relationship (read more here). Then the rose-coloured glasses come off, and that burning feeling of having to see them mellows out, while their annoying habits seem to stand out even more!
Even the charm of initial attraction fades as we become accustomed to that person’s appearance and they get old and wrinkly (beauty fades!).
And while I believe that two very different people can build a lasting relationship, underpinning their differences has to be something that holds them together. It could be some shared interests, beliefs, complimentary personalities or even that they really enjoy each other’s company.
And ultimately, that’s what friends are: different people who really like being together, and despite their differences have something in common that bonds them.
Through the different seasons of a relationship, a good friendship is always a solid foundation to build a relationship that lasts.
2. Communication (a lesson from couple’s therapy) for a relationship that lasts
A lot of issues between couples that I see in therapy, stem not from a lack of love for each other, but rather a lack of understanding about each other’s needs. Therapy helps them to communicate these needs to each other, but also to understand where these needs came from.
Take the common situation of couples that fight about money. One person might be less concerned about money, willing to spend and enjoy life experiences. The other individual might be highly concerned about money, always saving and budgeting. It doesn’t take much to imagine how these different approaches could lead to tension and conflict in a relationship.
“You’re so reckless- you’re going to drive us broke” and “you’re such a stinge, we never do anything nice” might be what this couple yell at each other in the heat of an argument.
Both individuals have needs, and these needs have to be recognized by the other person in the relationship. There are also reasons why they have developed these needs.
Both individuals have needs, and these needs have to be recognized by the other person in the relationship.
Emily Maher The Female Brief Psychologist
Recognising needs and understanding where they come from in a relationship
The partner who spends might have grown up in a family where her parents were always working. They never took a family holiday, or enjoyed nice outings, and now she has her own financial independence, she wants to put that towards building happy memories for her own family. Her need is family bonding, which she didn’t have growing up.
The other partner might have grown up in a family where his parents made reckless financial decisions, leading to instability when he was young. Now he has his financial independence, he wants to save to make sure his family never has to go through the stress he went through. His need is stability, which he didn’t have growing up.
By acknowledging the other person’s needs, and why family bonding or stability are so important to them, this enables greater understanding. But, this couple will never begin to know each other’s needs, or the stories behind them if they don’t communicate with each other. Which is where a therapist sometimes comes in, to facilitate that communication and create a safe space for sharing painful and personal stories.
Then, the couple might begin to talk to each other in a different way. They might say:
“I understand that it’s scary for you to think about going on holiday this year, because it reminds you of some of the reckless financial decisions your parents made when you were young”
And:
“I understand that it’s important for you to go on a holiday together, because you want to create special memories of our family time.”
The couple still have different viewpoints and different needs. However, they communicate their needs openly and show compassion and understanding towards each other. And hopefully this leads to compromise, rather than conflict, that ultimately destroys that relationship. More on communication to avoid conflict here.
3. Having a short memory (a lesson from a Chinese Dating Show) for a relationship that lasts
One of the most hilarious and loved shows that used to air on SBS was a Chinese dating show called “If you are the one.” In this comical and slightly absurd gameshow, one male contestant would bravely try to find love amongst 24 women, who brutally cross-examine him, joke about him, and turn their lights on or off to signal their interest in him.
For me, the best part of the show was actually the discussion between the panel of psychologists and ‘relationship experts’ who shared their opinions and gave moral support to the male contestant. When one of the psychologists was asked about fighting with your partner, she answered “there is absolutely no point in having disagreements.”
Her opinion was that the older you get, and the more mature in your relationship you are, the less necessary it is to disagree. In her opinion, disagreement was unproductive and pointless, and when your partner does things that irritate or disappoint you, it’s much better to have a short memory, and quickly forgive and forget.
On a pragmatic level, I have come to completely agree with her advice.
When your partner does things that irritate or disappoint you, it’s much better to have a short memory, and quickly forgive and forget
Ultimately, we should not make mountains out of molehills and it is much healthier to quickly forget than to allow anger and resentment to fester.
The same applies to friendships. If I held it against my friends every time they disappointed, offended or hurt me, then I would be a very unhappy and friendless person. That’s why minimising your expectations of the other person (read here) and a short memory are the best advice when it comes to building a relationship that lasts.
4. Saying thank you (a lesson from my own marriage) for a relationship that lasts
Sometimes in life, we are blessed to meet someone who we feel totally comfortable with. They actually ‘get us’ and best of all, feel the exact same way about us that we do about them. I was fortunate enough to find that person at a young age. After many years of relationship, and a few of marriage under our belt, I still feel lucky to be sharing my life with someone who loves and treasures me.
But, what I’ve learnt is that the most dangerous thing that can happen in any long-term relationship or marriage is beginning to take that person for granted.
It can happen so easily, like forgetting the absolute basics; please, sorry and thank you.
Without these basics, you can easy feel unappreciated, unvalued and ignored. And every relationship therapist will tell you that those feelings can lead to huge rifts in relationships and it’s all downhill from there!
So, I try to remind myself to say thank you every day, notice the little things (more on this here) and to appreciate the efforts that my husband puts in. I think it sets a positive tone in our relationship and still makes me feel lucky every day to be married to him!
***
Honestly, I could write a book on how to build a relationship that lasts, because there is just so much to say. Although we’ve just touched on the tip of the iceberg here, I hope that you’ve gained some valuable insight on how friendship, communication, a short memory and saying thank you can help you build relationships that last. Happy connecting!
