Hello friends! After a pause since my last blog, I am glad to be back with another post on negative schemas, this time on the defectiveness schema. In my last blog post I explained that schemas are basically the beliefs that we have about ourselves and the world. Schema therapy is all about shifting those beliefs, to live a healthier and more balanced life.
One of the more common schemas is known as the ‘shame and defectiveness schema.’ This schema might manifest in feelings of insecurity, doubt and self-comparison.
What the defectiveness schema really boils down to is a feeling of not being good enough.
Most of us can relate somewhat to this schema, even if we don’t experience it in full force.
Maybe we were the last person picked for the sports team.
Maybe we lived in the shadow of an older sibling.
Maybe we were broken up with suddenly or cheated on.
Maybe someone criticised our performance or appearance growing up.
Maybe we didn’t have many close friends at school.
Maybe we had everything – friends, good looks, athleticism and charisma – but still we just didn’t feel good about ourselves
There are so many reasons why the defectiveness schema might develop in someone, but usually it comes down to an experience of being put down, rejected or compared in some way. At the most extreme end, someone who has experienced an abusive relationship would be at greater risk of the defectiveness schema. But, even milder experiences, like being turned down by a friend or passed up for a promotion at work can trigger this schema too.
Interestingly, high performers might relate strongly to this schema, as despite everyone complimenting them or finding them impressive, internally they might be incredibly harsh with themselves, and still not feel good enough or worthy.
The Schema Therapy Defectiveness Test
Here is a quick self-test to check whether you might relate to the defectiveness schema:
Do you devalue your successes and qualities?
Do you criticise yourself severely?
Are you attracted towards people who criticise/reject you?
Did you ever feel unloved by your parents/siblings/close friends, and blame yourself?
Do you try to hide your true self or wear a mask, because you are fearful people might not like the ‘real’ you?
If you want a more thorough test on the major 8 schemas, use this online test here.
Understanding the Defectiveness Schema
At the heart of the defectiveness schema is a feeling of shame.
Specifically, shame about who you are and your worth as person. Rather than viewing yourself as an amazing, unique individual, you consider yourself as a flawed, inadequate person, or feel that others are considerably better than you.
If you don’t feel you deserve good things, you might then hold yourself back from opportunities in life, whether that be asking someone on a date, applying for a promotion at work or even just reflecting on your strengths and successes and sharing them with others.
Relationally, the defectiveness schema does a lot of damage. When we feel shame, we want to hide ourselves away from others, rather than taking a risk, opening up or shooting our shot. Unfortunately, this then leads to a negative cycle, where we hold ourselves back, and then feel even worse about ourselves for not trying. In this way, the defectiveness schema reinforces itself (i.e. we make it even stronger!)
How to Overcome the Defectiveness Schema
1. Overcome the Defectiveness Schema by Developing a More Balanced View of Yourself
Everyone has their faults and bad qualities. But when you struggle with defectiveness, you feel that your faults are much worse than the average person. And you may consider something a fault that isn’t an issue at all!
For example, I used to be harsh on myself for being a quieter person in social situations. I could easily become shy, especially in a bigger group, and would feel quite bad about myself for not being as outgoing or lively as others. Part of my journey has been realising that shyness is not an issue, and in fact, can create a nice balance with more extroverted, chatty, people, like a yin and yang!
2. Overcome the Defectiveness Schema by Making Some Changes
It’s possible that there are things that you genuinely don’t like about yourself – whether that be some bad habits, negative personality traits or unhelpful behaviours. Instead of berating yourself for these perceived ‘faults,’ you can actually do something about them!
When it came to my shyness, with time, I did learn to find my voice, being willing to share a bit more, speak up and be less self-conscious around others. Whether this came with age, experience or just forced practice, I’m not entirely sure.
The defectiveness schema makes us feel stuck in the realm of ‘not good enough,’ but often this is not the case, and there are many ways we can change and improve ourselves. This is the major theme of the book ‘Reinventing Your Life’ by Jeffrey Young, which goes through all the major schemas and how to overcome them.
3. Remind Yourself That You are a Work in Progress
I’m all for self-improvement podcasts, self-help books and positive mantras, but sometimes we all just need a reality check – it’s normal and okay to not be perfect! Having flaws does not mean you are ‘not good enough’ or defective in some way. You are just human. With this self-acceptance, you can learn to not demand perfection from yourself (or others!), and be released from whatever feelings of shame that are holding you back in your life and relationships.
