One of the reasons I was drawn to psychology was because I wanted to understand why people act the way they do. Even when faced with similar situations in life, people will act extremely differently.
It seems that certain negative self-beliefs have major impacts on the way people act and react to life situations.
One way negative self-beliefs have been explained in psychology is through schema therapy. Schema therapy suggests that our self-beliefs become the lens through which we view the world. If we carry negative self-beliefs, or negative ‘schemas,’ we will always view ourselves and the world through this perspective.
Schemas or negative self-beliefs are the lens through which we view ourselves and the world
Suddenly, the pieces of the puzzle fell into place for me.
It made sense that if someone has a ‘failure’ schema (i.e. they think they are a loser) no matter how many successes they have, competitions they win or compliments they get, they will always be convinced that they are still a failure. Or if someone has a ‘mistrust’ schema (i.e. difficulty trusting people) they will struggle to establish close relationships, even when surrounded by genuine, caring people.
Unfortunately, negative self-beliefs can become ‘life traps.’ Once we become convinced of ourselves in a certain way, it can be difficult to challenge those negative self-beliefs.
One schema that seems to crop up frequently is the ‘unrelenting standards’ schema.
Unrelenting standards is the belief that you must reach very high standards in your life. You feel a constant pressure to reach success, and tend to criticise and judge yourself if you disappoint your standards.
Here is a quick test to check if you might have unrelenting standards:
– Do you try to pack loads into your day? Never-ending to-do lists of work, exercise, hobbies and social commitments?
– Do you feel unsatisfied with your current career or social position? Are you constantly fighting for a ‘better’ job/relationship/status symbol?
– Is it a struggle for you to accept being just ok at something? Do you feel you must excel and be the best?
– Do you criticise yourself for failures or mistakes? Have you found yourself dwelling on things from the past and what you could have/should have done?
I think a lot of us can relate to at least one or two of these questions, especially those high-achievers (read more here) and perfectionists (see here). Sometimes, we can manage our unrelenting standards. But other times, this schema can get out of control and start to dominate our lives.
The unrelenting standards schema is both a blessing and a curse. When I talk to my counselling clients about it, they point out how because of their unrelenting standards they are able to achieve a lot with their lives. They have made their families proud and pushed themselves to the best of their abilities.
However, they also admit that they live with constant pressure, stress and dissatisfaction. If you think you might suffer from unrelenting standards, then I would suggest you talk to a therapist about how to manage this complicated schema. But in a nutshell, here is some advice (from a fellow unrelenting standards sufferer!).
1. Enjoy your successes
Stop and think about what you have achieved already. Instead of looking forward, be in the moment. Reflect on how far you’ve come as well. Treat yourself for handing in that report or passing that exam. Reward your efforts and recognise the hard work, sacrifice and commitment that went into making your goals happen.
2. Stop the critical self-talk
Instead of ruminating on what you could have or should have done, try to use more accepting and gentle self-talk. Simply tell yourself “I am human,” “it’s okay to make mistakes,” “no one is perfect” and “I did the best I could at the time” instead of coming down on yourself like a ton of bricks. And although our brains would love us to dwell on that embarrassing moment from ten years ago, there is always choice in how much value and time we spend thinking about past experiences.
3. Schedule breaks into your life
Rather than packing your life with commitments and responsibilities, learn to say no and take breaks. I often fall into the trap of thinking that I can do it all. But, after trying to juggle a full-time job, marriage, writing a blog, managing a house, studying, helping in the community and seeing friends, I realised that I was about to lose my mind! Although I’m still figuring out how to balance in life, I’ve found scheduling free weekends and saying no to the things that drain my energy good ways to start.
4. Read ‘Reinventing your life: how to break free from negative life patterns’
This book is amazing and the author Jeffrey Young is one of the founders of schema therapy. I think the major insight this book has to offer is that once you are aware of what your schema patterns are, you can take control and change your behaviour. Challenging your schemas is no easy task, but the reward is enormous as you begin to live a better life.
I hope that you enjoyed this introduction to schema therapy and the unrelenting standards self-belief. If you are interested in learning about the other schemas, comment below and I will write another blog post on them!
