Expecting Less: The Secret to a Healthy Relationship

Expectations. We all have them.

We expect our friends and family to support us…
We expect our achievements to be recognised…
We expect our partners to remember our anniversaries…
We expect that everyone should drive the speed limit and not slow us down…
We expect our Uber Eats to be delivered on time…
and the list goes on!

Even if we consider ourselves low-maintenance, easy-going kind of people, deep down we all hold expectations, of both ourselves and others.

But what happens when those expectations aren’t met?

Inevitably, our friends let us down, our partners forget all the important stuff, we get passed up on promotions at work and, the worst of all, we get left on read!

Ultimately, we are left feeling disappointed, hurt and sometimes angry! We deserve better treatment, right?

Why are Expectations Dangerous?

A lot of my patients come to therapy because they feel that someone in their life is failing their expectations. Although they know that ultimately they can’t change or control their boss, friend, family member or partner that is letting them down, they still feel entitled to be treated differently.

And there is genuine distress when we feel we are not being seen, heard, understood or appreciated in a relationship.

And yet, expectations and entitlement often go together, and they can be a dangerous combination!

Entitlement means that we feel deserving of something, like someone owes it to us. Maybe, we are the generous kind of person who pays for everyone’s lunch, the awesome friend who remembers everyone’s birthday, or the thoughtful partner who organises the most exciting dates. When we give these things out freely, there isn’t a problem. It’s only when we start feeling entitled to receive these gestures back that we may be setting ourselves up for disappointment!

If we start going around with an entitled mentality, then we are operating with an assumption that for what we give we should receive back. And that just isn’t always realistic!

Our friends and family might not have the financial means to pay for us, often people are too disorganised and chaotic in their lives to remember birthdays and some partners just lack creativity when it comes to dates. This doesn’t mean that we are surrounded by bad and disappointing people! It just means that people may not be giving to us in the same way we give to them.

A very human characteristic is the assumption of similarity. We assume that most people’s brains work similarly to ours. We don’t realise that we are actually all wired quite differently, and what might be really obvious or important to us might be a mystery or challenge to someone else.

The way we do things isn’t necessarily the same way others do things!

So, how do we overcome constant frustration and disappointment when others fail our expectations?

1. Lower Your Expectations

Put simply, the less we expect of others, the less disappointed we are when they don’t come through. This is easier said than done, especially when it comes to ‘high investment relationships’ (the people that we give a lot of our time and energy to).

Even though it may be impossible or unrealistic to completely lose our expectations of others, especially those closest to us, we can moderate how much we expect of them.

By making small adjustments, such as stopping relying on a family member for a lift or expecting a friend to listen to our venting, we minimise the pressure we are putting on these relationships, and avoid the future disappointments which are inevitable.

Stepping back may be difficult to do, especially for those of us who suffer from anxious attachment styles (read more here), but sometimes it is the healthiest option for a relationship.

If we are careful to not expect too much, the pain of future disappointments is lessened, as well as potential damage to our relationships.

2. Give Without Expecting to Receive

In addition to putting less on others, we can also make the choice to give freely without expecting to receive something in return. High investment relationships, by nature, involve sacrificing our time, energy and often our finances for the sake of another person we care about deeply. But sometimes, these people are unable to give back to us, whether that be because of health issues, financial constraints, numerous commitments or simply lack of awareness.

Often these relationships can feel a bit ‘one-way’ or unfair. But sometimes people need us more than we need them. And if we are in a position where we can give, from the kindness of our hearts, we don’t always need to receive something in return.

Think of a friend who dutifully drives another friend to hospital for their cancer treatment. Or a mother who prepares a meal for her family, and then does the dishes alone afterwards (thanks mum!). These individuals give far more than they receive, but they do so out of love and care for other people.

3. Invest Less

Not every relationship in life is high-investment. We have friends who we catch up with now and then, colleagues who we chat to during the working week and neighbours we wave hello to. All these relationships are important and valuable in their own way. But not all of them are ones appropriate to invest highly in.

It’s important to reflect on the relationships we have in our lives, and honestly evaluate whether we are treating someone as high-investment who does not view us in a similar way. We can then make a choice to continue giving freely, from the kindness of our hearts, without expecting anything in return. Or to pull back on that relationship, and accept its limitations, maybe giving a little less and also expecting less in return (for more advice on improving your relationships read here).

Pulling back is definitely a strategy I’ve put in place to cope with friends who I love (and who I know love me back!) but are unable or unwilling to place high investment of their time and energy with me. While the feelings of care are mutual, I’ve learnt to pull back, to avoid falling into a trap of expectations, disappointment and resentment with them. I’ve also learnt to appreciate those rare and wonderful relationships, where a lot is given to me.

I hope these insights help you with managing the balance of expectations that come with relationships!