Coping with conflict: tips to manage conflict in your life

Conflict is a normal part of life. As imperfect humans, whose mood mostly depends on how much sleep we got the night before and our most recent meal, our relationships will inevitably have their ups and downs. Realistically, it doesn’t take much for us to snap, act irrationally or say something that we regret afterwards. Conflict is an inevitable side effect of being human and coping with conflict is an important skill to master.

Like everything in life, conflict is best had in balance.

Too much conflict might mean we are argumentative, intolerant people who start unnecessary fights with others. Too little conflict might mean we are avoidant, scared people who walk on eggshells rather than be honest in our relationships.

One misconception is that a healthy relationship will never involve conflict. However, anyone married or in a long-term relationship will assure you that some conflict is normal. Rather, it is the response to the conflict which is key to making or breaking a relationship.

Today’s article on The Female Brief is all about recognising the different types of conflict, and some suggestions for the best ways to respond to them. Keep reading to find out how to manage conflict in your daily life!

1. Coping with conflict due to differences

Birds of a feather flock together.

I’ve always liked that expression. For me, it means that we are drawn towards people who are similar to us. The people we get along with most generally share our personality types, world-views, religious and political opinions and hobbies or interests. Like-minded people are easier for us to understand and get along with, and so we tend to have less conflict with them.

However, we are not always around people who are the same as us.

The workplace, family, neighbours and our community all contain people who are very different to us.

Unfortunately, differences often lead to conflict.

We all struggle with that crazy colleague, opinionated relative or vegan friend (just kidding!) who make us feel uncomfortable because they are different to us.  But we simply can’t avoid these people, so we have to find ways to minimise conflict with them.

Can conflict due to difference be resolved?

It’s my belief that differences as the source of conflict in a relationship can be managed.

This is most evident in relationship counselling. Often, couples come to therapy not because they have stopped loving each other, but because they are upset by the differences between themselves and their partners. Differences in parenting styles, money management and attitudes towards sex are the most common sources of conflict in a relationship. Once these differences are identified, the therapist can help the couple work out what needs to be accepted and what needs to be compromised on.  

Working through differences is the key to resolving conflict in a meaningful relationship.

And besides, being exposed to different people makes life a lot more interesting! If we were always with like-minded people, when would we be challenged or grow?

So, instead of going down the easy route of conflict, we can choose to embrace difference. Although it might be less comfortable than being with someone similar to us, we can still choose to accept someone as they are, and we might learn something from them too.

2. Coping with dangerous and unhealthy conflict

There is a more serious type of conflict that goes beyond managing differences. This is unsafe or unhealthy conflict. Toxic relationships, domestic violence, abusive friendships and workplace bullying are some life situations that involve significant conflict. But in these examples, the conflict often points towards something being fundamentally wrong, and the need to leave that situation.

Consider a toxic relationship, where someone is manipulating and hurting you. If you push back, conflict is likely to occur. But that conflict is also a sign that it is unsafe and unhelpful to stay within that relationship.

Rather than enduring unnecessary conflict (and pain) the best solution is often to leave that relationship. It might also be helpful to bring in external support systems, whether that be psychologists, senior managers, legal help or trusted friends, to help support you in leaving. If you’re still struggling to leave, maybe consider whether a lack of self-worth or fear of standing up for yourself is holding you back (read more on this here).

Basically, conflict should not be tolerated if it is disrespectful, abusive or unsafe (read more here on the difference between a healthy and unhealthy relationship).

3. Coping with conflict due to human error

The most common type of conflict, in my opinion, is conflict due to human error. I think we can all relate to a time where we jumped to a conclusion, became easily offended, got caught at a bad moment or allowed stress/anxiety/anger to cloud our judgement. These very human experiences led us to cause or escalate conflict with someone else.

And now, we have to own up to it.

The best way to manage this silly type of conflict, that unfortunately we all experience, is to confront it. Often, the simplest but most effective solution for resolving this conflict is to say sorry to someone (more on clear communication and improving your relationships here).

We all make mistakes and have human moments. We need to be mature adults and acknowledge them. It’s important to take responsibility for the times we slipped into conflict instead of being thoughtful and respectful.

It all starts with one simple word: sorry.

I hope these tips for managing the different types of conflict in your life were helpful to you. Wishing you a peaceful Christmas break (with minimal conflict) and healthy, thoughtful discussions with your family and friends.