Looking for a serious relationship is no easy task, especially in 2021. Thanks to social distancing, the disconnectedness of modern life and the rise of app-dating, starting a serious relationship is more challenging than ever.
Does that mean you should give up looking for a serious relationship?
Absolutely not!
Instead of waiting for the dream relationship to fall into your lap, or ‘the one’ to arrive at your doorstep wearing a sign, you have to go out into the world, prepared and ready to manifest that dream relationship in your life.
But, if you are unsure how to start looking for a serious relationship, then you are in the right place!
From my experience in relationship therapy, and also in my personal life, I have learnt a thing or two about how to approach finding a serious relationship. Which is why I feel compelled to write this article as the next stop on my Relationship Blog Series (more here).
So, keep reading to find out my 10 valuable tips for finding a serious relationship!
Tip 1: Make Intentional Decisions
Very rarely in life do things ‘just happen.’ Think about the job you are currently working, the course you are studying, the clothes you are wearing, the place you are living- did those things ‘just happen’?
Probably not.
Along the way, you made conscious and intentional decisions to invest your time, money and energy. These decisions led you to where you are today. The same applies to looking for a serious relationship. Intentional decisions could be downloading a (serious/reputable) dating app, putting the word out to your friends to organise some introductions or joining a social or community group where you can meet new people.
Intentional decisions could also be reviewing where you are currently spending your time and energy. If that’s gaming with the boys, or brunching with your girlfriends, then frankly you are not being intentional about finding a romantic relationship. So, maybe it’s time to do less of those activities, and devote more time to situations where there is the possibility of a relationship developing.
Tip 2: Do the necessary self-work before looking for a serious relationship
Do you lack confidence and self-esteem? Are you carrying around some baggage from your past relationships or a bad break-up? Is your mental health up and down?
Even if you desperately want a serious relationship, these kinds of issues will most certainly get in the way of that happening. The reality is, you have to do the necessary self-work first, to address and begin to resolve these issues, before you are in the right headspace for committing to a serious relationship.
You have to do the necessary self-work first, to address and begin to resolve your issues, before you are in the right headspace for a serious relationship.
Emily Maher The Female Brief
Why is it important to do this self-work?
Well, take the situation of someone with low self-esteem. Because they struggle with confidence and to recognise their self-worth, they might jump too quickly into a relationship with someone who does not treat them with respect and dignity. And because of their low self-esteem, they might even accept bad treatment or disrespect from that person.
Often, they will miss the red-flags in the beginning, such as being put-down, dismissed or criticised. Either they accept this behaviour as normal or even feel that they deserve this treatment (more on low self-esteem here). Usually, these relationships end quite badly, with even more emotional damage done to the person who was already in a vulnerable state.
However, all this pain and heartache could have been avoided if the necessary self-work was done first!
It’s normal to carry some baggage or wounds from the past. But before starting a relationship, it’s really helpful to begin healing those scars, preferably with the help of a psychologist.
By working on yourself first, you are getting emotionally ready for a serious and healthy relationship. Just like an athlete warms up before the big race, so you too should be doing the necessary self-work before running the relationship marathon!
Tip 3: Be honest that you actually want a relationship
Part of intentionality is openly and directly acknowledging what you want, to both yourself and others.
It can be scary to say out loud “I’m looking for a serious relationship,” but I think that the benefits of doing this outweigh the risks.
The biggest benefit is that by owning your intentions, you avoid time-wasters, players or other people who are not actually ready for commitment.
By sharing what you want (and asking them what they want) you set an honest and direct tone for the relationship. And it’s far better to know about someone’s intentions straight away, then to find out they just want something casual 6 months down the track.
Tip 4: Take (some) risks while looking for a serious relationship
Anything amazing that has ever happened in the world involved some level of risk.
It was a risk for the first explorers to sail the seas in search of unknown lands. It was a risk for man to go to the moon. It was a risk for Steve Jobs to drop out of college to start Apple. You get the idea!
Similarly, when it comes to looking for a serious relationship, there are risks involved. That risk might be having the courage to send the first text, suggesting a date, expressing your feelings to them or sharing something personal about yourself. But no risk, no gain. Enough said!
Tip 5: Be willing to experience rejection
Of course, one of the reasons why we would rather not take risks is the potential for rejection. Rejection is incredibly unpleasant, and can cause terrible blows to our self-esteem, make us feel disappointed and regretful of opening up to someone.
Interestingly, it seems we struggle more with rejection in a relationship context than other areas of our life.
Most of us have been rejected from a job application, but that didn’t stop us from applying for another job. Or we have felt the sting of rejection when we weren’t invited to someone’s party, but that didn’t stop us from continuing our friendships. And we’ve all experienced that password rejection message, but that didn’t stop us from doing the annoying email-verification-thing so we can access our accounts again!
What I’m saying is that rejection is a very normal part of life. We generally don’t give up when rejection happens, so why should rejection in relationships be any different?
Tip 6: Go for people who are actually available
As much as I’m all for bravely facing rejection, I don’t think it’s helpful to unnecessarily invite rejection into our lives. But the way that we sometimes do that is by pursuing people who are not actually available to start relationships.
Some signs that people are not suitable for a serious relationship might be:
- They are clearly immature, still partying or dating other people
- They lack emotional availability to properly engage in a relationship (mental health issues, unresolved trauma or lack of attentiveness)
- They are your colleague or boss (and therefore there is a complicated conflict-of-interest to manage)
- They have vague plans about ‘moving overseas’ or ‘finding themselves’
- They still talk about their ex and so clearly have not got over their past relationship
- They are currently in another relationship
- They are attractive to you, but you literally have nothing to talk about/ in common
Going for these categories of people is a BIG waste of time and energy. And chances are, if you do pursue them, they will reject you, either straight away or down the track. Or, you will find yourself in a very complicated and unhappy situation.
Tip 7: Find someone with similar values
Sometimes, when we meet someone, we can be swept away by their good looks, charm, sense of humour or intelligence. Admittedly, these qualities can be incredibly intoxicating. But they are not the makings of a lasting and serious relationship!
When you are looking for a relationship, it’s important to find someone who has similar values to you.
Ultimately, its these shared values which will build the foundations of a serious and healthy relationship. By checking at the start whether you share the same values on family, politics, religion or ethics as the person you are dating, you are actually preventing tension and problems from occurring in the future.
Of course, I’m not suggesting that you go and try to find a carbon copy of yourself to have a relationship with. In fact, being in relationship with someone who has different opinions and outlooks can be refreshing and enriching. But, you have to have more that ties you together than what tears you apart.
Tip 8: Look out for red flags in a relationship
While looking for a relationship, or in the early days of dating, you also have to be on the lookout for red flags. Red flags are those warning signs that this person is not healthy or genuine.
Some common red flags are:
- Low-investment attitudes and behaviours (not making the effort to see you, only talking to you now and then, only seeing you when it is totally convenient for them)
- Not introducing you to their family or friends (keeping chunks of their life separate from you, not sharing themselves fully)
- Gas-lighting (a truly disgusting psychological abuse technique, read more here)
- Put-downs, temper tantrums, sarcastic comments (over-reactions and punishing behaviours when they don’t get their way, socially humiliating you in front of others)
- Controlling behaviour (monitoring where you are going, becoming jealous if you see other friends, trying to control your schedule)
- Unsupportive of your own goals and decisions (making you feel guilty for having independent ideas, putting up barriers instead of cheering you on)
And so many more! Basically, if you see the red flag, don’t ignore it. It’s your brain (and gut) warning you that this is not the right place to be looking for a relationship.
Tip 9: Know your own value
When you are dating, it can be easy to focus on why the other person is impressive or amazing. But you also need to stop and reflect on what you are bringing to the table.
Think about your own value and all that you have to offer!
The truth is, you have a unique and wonderful personality which you can share with them. Maybe you are a talented artist, so go and show them some of your work! Or an amazing cook, so make them one of your most delicious dishes. Maybe you have an awesome family or friendship group, so invite them along to a dinner. Reflect on what your value is, and share that with the person you would like to start a relationship with.
Tip 10: Remind yourself that a romantic relationship won’t fix or complete you
My final tip to keep in mind when you are looking for a serious relationship is holding firm to this truth:
A romantic relationship will not fix or complete you.
If you think that a relationship is the cure for your loneliness then you are very wrong. In fact, sometimes relationships can be where you feel the most lonely and misunderstood. If you think that finally finding a relationship will heal your past problems, then again, you are in for a big disappointment. Your problems will come back to bite you and now you no longer have just your problems to solve, but someone else’s too.
Basically, Hollywood, Disney and Netflix have all romanticised what a serious relationship actually is…hard work! So, enjoy your singleness while you still have it, start the work now to becoming a better you and rest assured that your happiness is not defined by your relationship status.
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I hope these 10 tips help you on your journey to finding a serious relationship, if that is the path you are on!
