Every couples therapist will tell you that when it comes to relationship problems, there is almost never someone who is ‘right’ and someone who is ‘wrong.’ Rather, the source of most relationship problems is the dynamic between two people.
A relationship dynamic is the pattern in which people relate, interact and treat each other. Certain dynamics can result in unhelpful cycles, where one person tends to trigger the other, resulting in bad feelings and getting stuck on a repeated outcome.
An example of a relationship dynamic between a parent and child might look like;
Parent – “stop playing those games and clean your room now”
Child (immediately feeling defensive and resistant) – “no!”
Parent – “you always say no to me!”
Child – “you’re always mean to me!”
This parent and child are stuck in an unhelpful dynamic. Neither one of them are getting the outcomes they want, and both are left feeling negatively towards the other person. Yet both of them have valid needs, that a shift in their dynamic, or the way they relate to each other, could resolve!
Separating the dynamic from the person is a helpful way of understanding why conflict is happening. It takes personal blame away and makes the problem shared, which means it can be worked on together.
3 Common Relationship Dynamics
When it comes to romantic relationships, based on my experience, there are three very common and problematic relationship dynamics.
Pursuer – Distancer
Therapist – Patient
Co-dependency
These dynamics can also be found in other kinds of relationships, such as between family and friends, but in this blog post I want to highlight these three couple dynamics, and how to fix them!
1. Pursuer-Distancer
The pursuer-distancer dynamic is one of the most common relationship dynamics I see in couples therapy. This dynamic generally emerges during conflict, when one partner (the pursuer) might become critical or confrontational about something, and the other partner (the distancer) shuts down, walks away or refuses to respond.
This dynamic is reinforced when the ‘pursuer’ becomes more anxious about the ‘distancer’ disengaging and becomes more intense and agitated. This causes the ‘distancer’ to shut down even more, as they feel overwhelmed by this behaviour. Unfortunately, the end-point is usually both people in distress and an escalation of conflict.
While this dynamic can seem very ‘stuck’ the solution, in fact, is quite simple. Do the opposite!
The idea is that the ‘pursuer’ reigns in some of their anxiety, and when they sense their partner shutting down, they pull away themselves, allowing for a little bit of space. Simultaneously, the ‘distancer’ fights the urge to avoid their partner and knowing that they can take a bit of space if they need to, they try to stay present in the interaction.
Often, the pursuer-distancer dynamic is the result of the attachment styles of these individuals, where the pursuer tends to be more anxiously attached and the distancer more avoidant. Through better understanding attachment styles and personal triggers, this dynamic can be changed!
2. Therapist-Patient
In a relationship, it’s totally normal to go through some tough times. Whether it be the loss of a job, friendship conflict, family dramas or bad business decisions, there is so much in life that can negatively impact our mental health. In these times, we may lean a little more on our partner, for emotional and practical support. We might expect our partner to be our moral support, emotional anchor, coach and carer – all up, the perfect therapist!
The thing is, sometimes this therapist-patient dynamic can persist for longer than is healthy or functional in a romantic relationship. Often the ‘therapist’ in the relationship feels that they are in a one-way caring role, where their own needs or struggles are not supported. They might begin to resent the ‘patient’ for demanding so much emotional support and feel burnt out or even used.
The ‘patient’ may also feel that their needs aren’t being met well, as often their partner does not have the skills of an actual therapist, and so can’t offer the validation they need.
The therapist-patient dynamic can lead to a strangely dependent relationship, where one partner is constantly in crisis and the other partner is constantly being emotionally drained – the result being an imbalanced and unhappy relationship!
In order to address the therapist-patient dynamic, both individuals have a job to do.
The ‘therapist’ needs to start setting better boundaries, explaining to the ‘patient’ the limits of the support they can offer, while still affirming their love and care for the ‘patient.’ They also need to learn to ask the ‘patient’ for support, as their needs are important too!
The ‘patient’ needs to improve their emotion regulation skills, especially learning how to self-soothe so that they don’t over-rely on their partner. They might also need to engage professional external support to get the proper help they need so they can address whatever personal challenges are getting in the way of their overall happiness and well-being.
3. Co-dependency
A final problematic relationship dynamic is co-dependency. It can be present in both of the above dynamics, as well as in seemingly happy couples. Co-dependency means that there is a strong sense of ‘needing’ the other, in a relationship. Rather than two individuals, complete within themselves, who unite to complement each other, but have their own separate beliefs, interests and personalities, a co-dependent dynamic is completely consuming.
I think about co-dependency like two trees growing too close to one another. Their vines and roots begin to intertwine, and while it can look nice and connected from the outside, with time, both trees begin to suffocate, withering and wilting from lack of nutrients, and eventually destroying each other.
Ultimately, the goal with co-dependency is to be comfortable as an individual as well as within a couple. Working on your own personal goals, projects and dreams, as well as maintaining good relationships outside of the romantic relationship, is the best way to avoid the co-dependent dynamic. Ultimately, this leads to becoming the best version of yourself, which you can then share with your partner.
Relationship dynamics can be tricky to navigate and even harder to change. But by becoming aware of your relationship dynamic, you can then choose a different way of responding to your partner, which hopefully leads to a happier and healthier relationship.
