As human beings we desire acceptance and belonging, and will do our best to achieve it, often through making others feel good about themselves. However, when there is a compulsive need to be liked, that lacks appropriate boundaries, then this is known as people-pleasing.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with desiring to be liked, being helpful, enjoying positive attention or being generous with compliments. In fact, we should feel the desire to please others, as this creates harmonious and peaceful relationships.
Unfortunately, our desire to please others can also get out of control.
At its worst, people-pleasing can feel like a complete loss of control, doing what someone else wants and not living the life that you want.
Keep reading to find out some common people-pleasing traps and how to avoid them!
Trap 1: People-Pleasing in the Workplace
Demanding workplaces are often really difficult places for people-pleasers. Someone who struggles with people-pleasing will have a hard time with saying no to a manager who makes unrealistic demands, putting in boundaries with colleagues who lack self-awareness and unnecessary pressure on themselves to perform.
In order to impress managers and colleagues, a people-pleaser will agree to demands without negotiations or limit setting. They will accept these stressful situations, justifying that it is for the sake of their “career” or “helping someone else” or because “things will change and get better.”
A good first step in addressing people pleasing in the workplace is to start by being honest with yourself.
Regardless of whether it might be beneficial or not for your career to comply with the demands of the workplace, if you are feeling burnt-out, unhappy or taken advantage of, it’s time to decide what your limits are.
As I always remind my patients, you can’t expect others to help you if you don’t know how you can be helped!
So, start by negotiating what your personal limit or boundary is. If it’s not working overtime, then make that clear to both yourself and your manager. If that feels too overwhelming or scary, then adjust your limit to something slightly more manageable, such as not working overtime on Fridays any more.
It’s just one step in addressing your people pleasing, but an important one. By reminding yourself that you want to prioritise your health and well-being, and that your time has value, you now have a solid justification for negotiating that limit with your manager.
But often, the first negotiation needs to be with yourself, in terms of what you are and aren’t willing to accept.
Trap 2: People-Pleasing in a Negative Relationship
Most of us have experienced a negative relationship, whether that be with someone who has mental health or personality issues, negative ways of relating or even toxic traits. Negative relationships can leave us feeling emotionally drained, down about ourselves or in a terrible mood.
While the simple answer might be to leave, that isn’t always possible (although if you believe that the relationship is toxic, that might be the healthiest and best option). Hence, we have to watch our people pleasing behaviours in these relationships, to make sure that we are protective of ourselves and our personal boundaries.
It can be really difficult to say ‘no’ to someone that we love and care about, and even more difficult if we struggle with people-pleasing.
When we think about why setting a boundary is so difficult, it usually boils down to these two reasons:
Fear – We are afraid of their reaction. That if we don’t give them what we want, they will be hostile towards us.
Guilt – We are afraid of inflicting pain on them, and hurting their feelings.
As a therapist, I encourage my patients to really consider these two reasons, and which one of them is driving their people-pleasing behaviours.
If it is fear, I might challenge why someone being hostile, just because they didn’t get their way, is really that bad. After all, when toddlers demand a lolly and are told ‘no’, they might cry and scream, but eventually they calm down. It’s unpleasant, but not that bad.
Often, people-pleasers underestimate their ability to tolerate negative reactions from others, and emotionally regulate. Fortunately, with practice, they realise that it’s really not that scary or bad, and people’s reactions tend to blow over, if not immediately than with some time.
If it is guilt that is driving the people-pleasing, I might explain why sometimes inflicting pain (i.e. hurting someone’s feelings) in the short-term, actually saves them (and you!) from experiencing even greater pain in the long-term.
For example, telling your partner a difficult truth about how they embarrassed or upset you might make you feel guilty in the short-term, but it actually saves resentment building up towards them in the long-term. Ultimately, while that honesty is difficult, it stops a grudge from developing and creates a more authentic and healthy relationship.
Trap 3: People-Pleasing in Dating
When you find someone that you click with, it can be very tempting to fall into people-pleasing behaviours. Whether it be prioritising your time with your new relationship, matching your schedule to the requirements of your date, only doing activities that the other person wants to do or compromising on your personal boundaries to impress or satisfy someone else, people-pleasing is rampant on the dating scene!
One point I highlight to my friends and patients who are falling into the trap of people-pleasing in the context of dating is that, sooner or later, who you really are and what you really want does come out!
If you are not being an authentic version of yourself, or compromising too broadly in order to please someone else, then this is not sustainable in a relationship. While it can feel scary to be honest, and that you are risking losing someone, being your authentic self creates a respectful and healthy dynamic in a relationship.
Often when people choose to be honest, whether it be about the smaller things –
“I actually don’t like Thai food,” and, “I actually don’t enjoy going to clubs”
or the bigger things –
“I actually am looking for something serious and committed,”
they can find the relief in expressing their authentic truth, and not pretending to be the version of themselves that they think will be liked and accepted in the relationship, but isn’t actually real.
People-pleasing is a fine line to walk. It’s about striking that balance between wanting to be liked and accepted by others and sensitive to their needs, whilst also being aware of your personal boundaries. Ultimately, breaking free from people-pleasing means overcoming guilt and fear and learning to become a more authentic version of yourself!
