How to cope with a relationship ending

Relationships, like everything in life, are not permanent situations. Every one of us has experienced the feeling of a relationship ending. It might be friends who gradually grow apart, a break up or divorce, quitting a job or ending a friendship. We need to learn how to cope with a relationship ending.

Relationship endings can be quiet and natural or they can be dramatic and painful. But whatever the specific situation is, we have to learn how to cope with a relationship ending, because this is an inevitable part of life.

However, when relationships end, we often don’t cope very well. We might feel sad, angry, resentful or regretful. We might try to analyse the situation and ourselves, asking, “did I do something wrong?”

We might start looking for someone to blame. 

What does coping with a relationship ending depend on?

How we feel and how we cope with a relationship ending greatly depends on two factors:

1. How meaningful that relationship was to us

2. The reason why the relationship ended

In today’s blog post, I want to deal with the second factor: the different reasons why relationships end. In answering the WHY of a relationship ending, hopefully that can help us understand the HOW to cope.

Reason 1: The relationship ended because you grew apart

Growing apart is the most natural end to relationships. It speaks to a truth that many of our relationships are determined by our life situations and proximity.

An obvious one is friends who you were very close to at school who then move away. This kind of relationship ending is often not a final one, as chances are you may reconnect in the future, if life situations bring you closer together again. However, it speaks to the changing seasons of life, which sometimes mean friends get left behind while new friendships are formed. 

The Seasons of Life

I remember when one of my friends became a mum. It suddenly became very difficult for us to meet up, and when we did, we were talking about totally different things to what we used to bond over before. She had moved into the season of starting a family, and I had been left behind. Our close relationship had ended, mostly for practical reasons (she is now super busy running after toddlers) but I still consider her someone meaningful in my life. 

What helped me cope with this particular relationship ending was by accepting that my friend and I were now in two very different seasons of life. I reminded myself that this separation wasn’t permanent, nor was it personal. I reduced my expectations of the relationship (read here) and I’m looking forward to reconnecting when her life slows down a bit, or I enter the season of parenthood too!

Reason 2: The relationship ended because of a fight/conflict

The most unpleasant endings to relationships are the messy fights. If you’ve read my other blog posts, you know that I discuss how a reasonable level of conflict is normal in a relationship. However, when conflict occurs because of a toxic relationship, significant breach of trust, violation of values or abuse, then the conflict no longer reflects a healthy or normal relationship. 

Coping with the aftermath of a big blow-up that resulted in the end of a relationship isn’t easy. 

Firstly, there needs to be time to process the trauma or grief of losing that relationship, or whatever happened that caused the fight. This is a good time to speak with a trusted friend/therapist, journal your thoughts, pray and cry those tears out. 

Then needs to come the healthy dose of self-care and self-protection. Self-care might look like taking some time out, nurturing your body and soul, treating yourself and practicing kindness and self-compassion. Self-protection might look like distancing yourself from any gossip or unhelpful people that surrounded the relationship, minimising what you share on social media and how much contact you have with the person that hurt you. 

Finally, after you have processed what happened and given yourself enough time to heal and reflect, you can decide whether to seek reparation by reaching out to the person, offering or asking for forgiveness. Or you can walk away from that relationship. 

It’s good to analyse what caused the fight or conflict. Of course, if it was a misunderstanding, or a mistake, then it might be worth trying to salvage that relationship by making repairs. However, if they deliberately hurt, manipulated or betrayed you, then it’s worth asking yourself: “do I really want that kind of person in my life?” If you want more advice on dealing with unresolved feelings from a bad break up, then read here.

Reason 3: The relationship ended because of a mutual decision

I like to call this kind of relationship the ‘clean break.’ There was no big blow-up or fight, but maybe there was a conversation or something more than merely drifting apart.

This kind of relationship ending often occurs in a business context, when there is a decision to leave a company, quit a job or step out of a professional relationship. It can also happen in a romantic relationship, where two people decide they aren’t compatible or happy anymore, and so mutually decide to break-up. No fight. No bad blood. But the relationship still comes to an end. 

Sort of.

Do relationships really end?

Although I’ve been talking about relationships ending, I don’t think that there really is a final end to a relationship. After all, there will always be the memories and experiences that you shared with that other person.

Perhaps a more helpful way to think about relationships ending is relationships being redefined. Relationships being redefined is a concept I often work through in counselling with my clients who are going through break-ups or friendship break-downs.

Redefining relationships is about shifting your perspective on who that person is, and what role they now play in your life.

For example, that person might have been your boyfriend/girlfriend once, someone who you shared your deepest thoughts and feelings with, but now they are no longer in that role. They might now be in the role of someone who you see at parties, say hello to and share a joke with, but not much more.

Although this person is still someone meaningful to you, who you share history with, the relationship is defined in a different way, with different expectations and guidelines of what is appropriate to do.

If you can be clear on what the ‘new’ relationship is with that person, you might find a way of reconciling them in your life, and coping better with the pain of losing that relationship.

Rather than thinking about relationships categorically, I like to think about relationships as on a spectrum. There are people i’m closer with and people i’m more distant with, but this spectrum is constantly shifting as relationships change with time. People play different roles on that spectrum, but those roles change with time and life experiences.

By embracing the change, and understanding that relationships move with the different seasons of life, we can better adjust and cope when relationships come to an end.