Emotional reactions are a normal part of being human. Some days we might feel everything a little more strongly, whether that be because it’s raining outside, we had a bad night sleep, or our partner has left their dirty clothes on the floor (again!) These ‘triggers’ might lead to a spectrum of emotions – sadness, anger, anxiety or frustration, which we then have to find the energy to cope with. That skill of coping with emotions is called emotion regulation.
Emotion regulation is defined as “the ability to exert control over one’s emotional state” (Psychology Today). It’s really about balancing out or reducing the intensity of emotions, and an important part of resilience.
Emotion regulation means finding the tools to cope so we don’t get stuck in an unpleasant emotion – so if we are angry, being able to calm down,
if we are sad, being able to lift ourselves up, and
if we are hurt, being able to comfort ourselves.
As a psychologist, helping my patients build better emotion regulation is a key part of therapy. That’s because emotion regulation is a bit like a muscle that needs to be strengthened. All of us have the capacity for emotion regulation, but our muscle might be a little weak, if we haven’t practiced properly for a while, leading to difficulties in our relationships.
For example, someone with poor emotion regulation might fly off the handle quickly, finding themselves yelling or becoming defensive if their partner annoys or upsets them. Or if their partner is upset, someone who struggles with emotion regulation may not know how to help and instead feel helpless and overwhelmed.
If both partners in a relationship lack emotion regulation, then they will find it challenging to disagree in a healthy way, staying calm enough to explain their point of view while considering and listening to the other person’s perspective and then reaching some solution.
And the end point of all of this? Lots and lots of fighting!
Why is it harder to emotionally regulate in our relationships?
Sometimes it can feel like we are better at emotionally regulating in other parts of our life than in our romantic relationships. After all, we get annoyed at work all the time, but manage to contain ourselves. Even our closest friends frustrate and disappoint us, but we usually are able to find some patience or forgiveness for them.
But emotionally regulating with our romantic partners is a whole other ballgame!
This might be to do with our expectations within a romantic relationship, which are higher, or the fact that we are around each other all the time. Personally, I think that laziness might be the root of poor emotion regulation with our partners. We can get a little too comfortable and stop putting in the effort in certain parts of our relationship. We might feel secure that our partner loves us and that enables us to ‘let loose’ on exactly what we think and feel in the moment. Or, we might feel a build-up of negative emotions, but avoid being proactive to work through them and then suddenly explode! I think the above situations happen all too frequently, and I see myself in them too.
Is emotion regulation really possible?
So, is emotion regulation really possible? The answer (in my opinion) is yes…and no!
Yes, because with the right insight, motivation and guidance, I truly believe that anyone can become the master of their emotions, rather than the slave to them.
No, because we can’t really control our emotions. Trying to stop ourselves from feeling a certain way is like blocking ourselves from blinking or sneezing… we might be able to suppress for a little while, but it’s uncomfortable and eventually we just have to let it out!
The idea is that with good emotion regulation, you control the way you let your emotions out. And ideally, the way you choose is considerate of your partner and healthy for your relationship.
One of my favourite emotion regulation skills
So, let me teach you one of my favourite emotion regulation skills. It’s called ACE.
I learnt ACE from the wonderful psychologist and pioneer of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Dr Russ Harris. ACE is an acronym for:
A- Acknowledge the emotion
C – Come back into your body
E – Engage with the world
You can watch a video on emotion regulation with ACE here
Emotion regulation in practice
So, let’s go back to that situation of finding your partner’s dirty clothes on the floor. Imagine that you had already spoken to them about being a bit tidier and they had promised to clean up after themselves better.
When you see this little mess they have left, you feel the heat rising, the instinct to tell them off and maybe an urge to throw the dirty clothes in their face! (ok… that might be a little extreme…but you get it). In order to emotionally regulate, and get the best possible outcome from this situation, you would…
A- Acknowledge to yourself how annoyed you’re feeling. Notice the heat in your body, and label any other emotions coming through – frustrated (you had already talked to them), upset (you value a clean home) or maybe powerless (are they ever going to change?)
C- Come into your body with a few deep breaths. Really suck the air into your lungs and then puff out. Notice how you immediately feel a little calmer. If you need to ground yourself further, then take a breath of fresh air outside or splash some water on your face.
E- Engage back with the world. You are now in a slightly more regulated place. Either you can tell your partner how you’re feeling and why, with a clearer head and an evenly toned voice. Or, you can decide that it’s better to talk about it at a different time, and make a note for later.
ACE is such a great emotion regulation skill because it only takes a minute to practice but can change the whole way a situation unfolds. Having better control over your emotions means that you can more clearly and calmly communicate what you want or need.
If it’s your partner who has poor emotion regulation, then modelling this technique can help by showing them that there are better ways to express emotions.
Emotion regulation is a key part of a healthy and happy relationship. Being able to emotionally regulate means that you are better controlling your responses to triggers and becoming the master of your emotions (not the other way around!) So, let’s start flexing our emotion regulation muscles today.
