Recently, I asked a question on Instagram: what do you all want to learn about relationships? The top answer was: I want to learn how to be okay with being single
Interestingly, the people who answered this were a diverse bunch. Both single people, people in relationships and even married people asked for a blog post on how to be okay with being single! I think that’s because we can all learn something from this topic.
Fundamentally, being okay with being single means being satisfied within ourselves.
Not needing a relationship to complete us, or a relationship status to define us. We all need to learn to be okay with being single!
So, let’s break it down.
Firstly, why is it not okay to be single?
I think the main reason why people feel it is not okay to be single is because it is contrary to society’s expectations. Any rom-com, Netflix show or Disney movie will end with the protagonist getting the relationship of their dreams and the fairytale ending. In the past derogatory names were given, especially to women, who never got married, such as ‘spinster’ or ‘old maid.’ And there is still incredible stigma with going to restaurants, cinemas or events without a partner. Most people would rather stay at home than face the ‘social judgement’ of eating alone at a restaurant.
In sum, there are a lot of subliminal and explicit messages in society that claim it is not okay to be single.
However, increasingly we are seeing a culture shift towards independence and self-sufficiency. And it is being normalised to do things alone. In fact, there is a sense of relief and freedom in doing things without a partner, whether that be purchasing a property, starting a hobby or eating out.
More and more of my friends who are in a relationship are choosing to have alone-time as they realise it is fundamental for their self-care. For example, one of my favourite activities is going out to the city, for shopping, art galleries and scones. But my husband can’t stand crowded places, going in and out of shops and he isn’t excited by scones either! So, I take that day as my alone-time, to focus on something I truly enjoy and he takes a day to play cricket with his buddies.
I think it’s a good lesson that doing things by yourself isn’t sad or depressing, but rather something enjoyable and nurturing to your personal interests and soul!
So, to all the single people who still feel awkward about being socially judged for going at things alone, then be encouraged that change is coming. But don’t wait for the culture shift, you can start the change within yourself now!
Another reason why people might believe it is not okay to be single is because singleness has connotations with being lonely.
Does singleness mean loneliness?
I want to speak frankly here and say, if you are single and feeling lonely, then that is totally normal and understandable. It’s natural to crave close human connection, someone to share your life with and make memories with. And even though its wonderful doing things alone, sometimes you just want to do things with someone else.
Loneliness is a feeling of disconnection to others. It is a feeling of not being understood, isolated, sad and lacking in meaningful relationships. Loneliness sucks, and it is a terrible feeling to experience.
But let me assure you, being in a relationship does not necessarily cure loneliness.
In fact, many married people can relate to the feeling of not being understood, isolated, sad and lacking in a meaningful relationship with their husband or wife. Loneliness is not a single person problem. It is a human problem.
If you are feeling lonely, then first remind yourself that you are not alone in feeling this way, and it is not a reflection of your relationship status. However, it may be a reflection of the quality of the relationships in your life. So, you can try the following tips to help your loneliness:
3 tips to cure loneliness
1. Examine the relationships in your life.
Are there toxic or low-investment people taking up too much of your time and energy? Do you only have friends in one aspect of your life (e.g. uni or work) and haven’t made friends in other areas? When was the last time you made a new friend? Have you put in the effort to form new relationships, or tried connecting again with people you lost touch with? Are you allowing yourself to have new experiences where you will meet people and broaden your friendship circles? These are some of the questions you might ask yourself to work out why you are feeling lonely.
2. Find a purposeful activity to fill your time.
If we are feeling lonely, most likely we are also feeling disconnected, from both ourselves and the world around us. So, a great way to cure loneliness is by connecting yourself in with a meaningful activity that also allows you to connect with other people. That activity might be starting a blog (like I did!), running a community group, volunteering, joining a language class or developing a new skill. When you are filled with purpose that gives you new energy to face life, something to fill your spare time with and a great thing you can share with other people too!
3. Be a good friend to yourself, and others.
It might sound strange, but lonely people often forget to be kind to themselves. They might criticise themselves and feel something is wrong with them, feel angry at the world or disappointed in their relationships. They begin to neglect or minimise their own needs and sometimes wallow in their misery, or become bitter towards the people that are in their life.
If you are feeling lonely, then start by giving yourself a big hug and remind yourself that you are special and unique in your own way. Then, make the effort to nurture yourself and your needs, treating yourself with kindness, rewarding yourself with pleasurable activities, spending time in nature and investing in your physical and mental health.
Also, seek to be kind towards others. Ask a neighbour whether they need help with something. Offer to take a friend out for dinner. Ring up your grandparents and have a chat. Try to be a good friend to yourself, and others, and watch as your relationships begin to blossom and grow.
If you are single remember that you don’t have to wait for a relationship to cure your loneliness problem. This is a human problem with human solutions, and you can start working on it now!
The final major reason why people might struggle to feel okay with being single, is because one of their life goals is to be in a relationship.
What if your life goal is to have a relationship?
Many people feel fearful that their dreams of getting married and starting a family might not come true. In finding a relationship, just like any other life aspiration, there are always uncontrollable factors (as my favourite relationship coach Matthew Hussey talks about here).
Just like the Olympian who might train their whole life only to get an injury and not qualify, or the student who might study hard only to fail the exam, we can also fail to achieve our life goals, and face these disappointments.
When it comes to finding a relationship, we can make the best possible plan that will lead to success. I write about this in my article on how to find a long-term relationship, and provide a lot of advice on ways you can maximise your chances of finding a serious relationship. However, there also needs to be acceptance of the factors that are beyond your control, such as whether someone who you are compatible with does come into your life or not.
A good way to promote this sense of acceptance is by being flexible to changing your life goals. For example, if you love kids and your life goal is to be a mum, but you don’t end up building a family of your own, then maybe your life goal can shift to being the best aunty or godmother in the world. By allowing your goals to shift and change with the circumstances of your life, you can still fulfil your desire for relationship, but maybe in a different way to what you initially planned.
Enjoy the season of singleness
My final advice for how to be okay being single is to enjoy the season of singleness, and the freedoms it can bring! Ultimately, you don’t know how long you will be single for, and so with the time that you have, you can explore the possibilities that might not be available to you when you move into a relationship. Singleness can be a time of great excitement, less intensity and worry and more opportunity to do whatever you want to do!
So enjoy the journey, while it lasts, stay positive for the future and be rest assured that you will be okay, regardless of your relationship status.
