Buddha said that “the root of suffering is attachment.” In many ways, this statement is true. We all struggle with relationship problems and solutions for them.
Difficulties in our relationships, problems in our marriages and conflicts with our families and friends can be stressful and draining. It can also be difficult to find the right solutions to resolve these problems.
But relationships are also a huge source of joy and fulfilment for us! We need each other (both in a literal and emotional sense) to survive!
So today, I want to share with you some common relationship problems and solutions to them.
Although some of these relationship problems may be specific to romantic relationships, there are also some relevant to friendships and non-romantic relationships.
I hope that by discussing these relationship problems and solutions to them, we can all have less stressful, more fulfilling relationships!
Relationship Problem 1: Lack of communication
Yep, you guessed it! Poor communication often leads to misunderstanding and repressed negative emotions in a relationship. Without clear and open communication, you may as well be speaking different languages to each other.
Often, poor communication is due to a repressed relational style.
What is a repressed relational style?
Individuals who have a repressed relational style may struggle to vocalise their feelings, and openly share their thoughts and needs. This can lead to confusion and misunderstanding in the relationship.
Because of the lack of communication, the problem is not resolved.
For example, you may be annoyed if your partner is always on their phone. But if you have a repressed relational style, you internalise this anger and annoyance, instead of vocalising it to your partner. Your partner is then left confused when you seem in a bad mood for no particular reason.
Solution for better communication: Openness and empathy
Open communication styles involve specifying your needs (I need you to put the phone down, I need to feel heard, I need a hug, I need to have some space) and asking for your partner to meet that need.
I encourage my clients, even those with repressed communication styles, to practice sharing what they feel and asking openly for their partner to meet their need.
Remember, no one can mind read, so unless you share your thoughts, the other person will never understand what you are feeling.
When your partner/friend opens up to you about their feelings, the response should be one of empathy. Recognise the vulnerability and courage they have shown in vocalising their thoughts and needs, and show empathy towards them. Try to understand where they are coming from and listen to their experience. More on clear communication styles here.
Relationship Problem 2: Jealousy
One of the most toxic elements of a relationship is jealousy. Often, people become jealous for one of three reasons.
Firstly, they have experienced some kind of trauma, in a past relationship or their own family, which involved the betrayal of trust, being cheated on or mistreated. Or their jealousy is in response to their partner acting in untrustworthy ways (disappearing, lying or concealing information). Or finally, jealousy can be a sign of low self-esteem.
If you feel unsure of yourself, or lack a sense of self-worth, you may be paranoid about your partner ‘finding someone better’ or leaving you. No matter what the reason for jealousy is, it is always unpleasant, for both people in the relationship.
Solution for jealousy: Honesty, and self-work
If the jealousy is a result of past trauma or a partner who is acting in an untrustworthy way, then the solution is to increase the honest communication in the relationship. Often, therapy can be a good place to start, bringing out the past trauma that is affecting the relationship and understanding why one partner may be feeling vulnerable. A non-judgemental and empathetic approach is always helpful too.
However, if the jealousy is more associated with one partner’s low self-esteem or ‘I’m not good enough’ belief (read here) then the solution is not within the relationship, but rather within the individual. They may have to go on a journey towards increasing their sense of self-worth or self-love before they can flourish within the relationship.
Relationship Problem 3: Uneven distribution of jobs
In every relationship, there are certain unpleasant but necessary jobs that need to be done. These might include housework, driving, cooking, paying bills or other chores. Certain problems can develop if one person is taking the brunt of these jobs, and the other person isn’t pitching in, being helpful or offering their support. This can easily lead to a situation where one person feels taken advantage of or overworked. It’s not hard to imagine why couples (or business partners) end up fighting, when one person is doing more work than the other person.
Solution for over-working: delegating and sharing responsibilities
One person helping less with the chores may not be because they are lazy or deliberately unhelpful. It’s probably more likely because they are slightly thoughtless, forgetful, not as efficient or maybe didn’t grow up in a family where responsibilities were shared.
Instead of resorting to frustration or anger, it’s much more helpful to figure out a system where you delegate responsibilities.
Work out what’s realistic for both people, and what their preferences for chores are. Some of us are natural when it comes to cooking, and some of us are better at cleaning. Some crazy people (me) actually enjoy cleaning. By sharing responsibilities, based on our strengths and preferences, you can find a way to more evenly distribute chores in a relationship, so both people feel supported.
Relationship Problem 4: Obsessive/introspective relationship
A new relationship can be like a drug. Amazing, addictive and obsessive. But just like a drug, you can overdose on that other person. Your other responsibilities and relationships can become neglected. And you can find yourself unable to function without them.
This is what I like to call an “introspective relationship.” It’s happened more than once to me that a friend has disappeared from my life after getting into a relationship. Honestly, I find introspective relationships very selfish and dangerous too. After all, if that relationship doesn’t work out, you may find yourself without any friends left in your life!
Solution for an obsessive relationship: balance!
Even though it may be tempting to spend all your time with that one person, a balanced approach is far healthier. Make sure you schedule time for your own personal commitments, hobbies and to keep up with your friends. This allows your identity to flourish outside of the relationship as well.
Balancing alone-time and romantic date nights with group outings allows your relationship to grow in different environments and involve different people. And, also remember to invite along your single friends too, as they often get left behind!
Relationship Problem 5: Lack of quality time
Relationships can also go in the other direction- not enough quality time together! It can be easy to get caught up in the swing of life, being busy with work and social commitments, and forget to spend quality time nurturing your relationship.
Quality time is intentional time focusing on the other person, doing a positive and shared activity together.
That can be as simple as sharing a meal, having a date night or going on holiday together. But when there is a lack of quality time, there will also be less intimacy and connection in the relationship (read more on the importance of quality time here)
Solution for increasing quality time: Plan!
Really, I can’t stress this enough, quality time comes with planning! If you are going to wait for the ‘quiet moment’ or ‘spontaneous date night’ to happen, it never will! There will always be something that pops up or something more important to do.
There needs to be intentional planning around quality time!
And I mean, literally opening up the calendar and blocking out times, brainstorming ideas for date nights, or taking leave from work to holiday together.
You can also plan quality time in everyday activities. For example, my husband and I have made an agreement to leave our phones in another room while we are having dinner together. This allows us to really focus on talking to each other, and catch up on our days. So, for quality time, plan and be present!
Relation Problem 6: Bad relationship patterns
Bad patterns, just like negative schemas and self-beliefs (read here) can also develop in a relationship.
A pattern I often come across is the pursuer-distancer. In this relationship pattern, one person (the pursuer) deals with stress by moving closer to their partner, seeking support and comfort from them. Instead, the distancer deals with stress by withdrawing, internalising their emotions and needing space.
This dynamic can lead to intense conflict in the relationship, when the pursuer pursues even more, and the distancer begins to run away, overwhelmed by the emotional needs of their partner.
Neither person in the relationship feels satisfied that their needs are being met. And both of them feel frustrated by the other person (read more on the pursuer-distancer dynamic here).
Solution for bad relationship patterns: recognise the pattern, and resist it!
If you are the pursuer, recognise your needs for intimacy and closeness, but be balanced in asking your partner to meet them. If you are the distancer, recognise your needs for space while showing empathy to the other person’s need for reassurance and comfort. Resist the urge to run away, or clearly communicate how much space you need.
If you have a different relationship pattern, such as nagging-neglecting, or controlling-surrendering then realise the impact this is having on the quality of your relationship. First recognise the pattern (read here on other patterns), and then resist the urge to fall into that pattern.
Relationship Problem 7: Clashing Values
In my last relationship blog post, on what to look for when starting a relationship (read here), I wrote about the importance of finding someone who shares similar values to you. However, values can slowly shift and change as you mature, and so you may find yourself in a relationship with someone who is very different to you. Or perhaps when you started the relationship, you weren’t as aware of the difference in your values as you are now.
This clash of values and beliefs can lead to arguments, feelings of loneliness and misunderstanding, tension and disagreements in a relationship. Clashing values may be: having a family vs staying as a couple, saving money or spending, prioritising career progression or family as well as how to express religious or political beliefs.
Solution for clashing values: Compromise
There is no easy or quick solution to clashing values. Fundamentally, values are the basis of our identity. They give us purpose and direct our lives.
However, there is a way to reconcile different values: compromise.
Ultimately, there are ways that you can reach an agreement or find common ground on different perspectives. In some situations, like choosing career progression or family, there may be ways to find a middle ground (i.e. we will wait for our children to finish school before we relocate for our jobs or take a management position). But sometimes, a middle ground isn’t possible, such as whether to have children or not.
So, if your life is being directed in a different way to your partner’s, then sometimes the best and most realistic solution is to part ways. However, I do believe strongly in the power of compromise, and I think it can be an amazing opportunity to show love and commitment in your relationship.
***
So there you have it, 7 common relationship problems and solutions to them!
Relationship problems are a normal part of life, and inevitable in any deep or long-term relationship. I don’t think we need to be fearful of them, or concerned when they happened, especially if we take the mind-set that there are so many solutions to resolve these problems.
I hope you found some practical advice from this blog post on relationship problems and solutions. Comment below other relationship issues you would like advice on, or share if you have some helpful solutions to common relationship problems!
