Self-sacrifice is generally considered a positive human trait. When we think about self-sacrifice, what might come to mind is putting others’ needs first, being a team player and an empathetic person. Many of us identify with our inner self-sacrificer, who is “always there for their friends,” “happy to help” and more comfortable thinking about someone else’s needs than their own.
It’s no surprise that most people working in caring professions, such as psychology, teaching, nursing and social work, have strong self-sacrificing tendencies. After all, self-sacrificers play key roles in our communities, helping and caring for those in need.
Especially right now in the Christmas holiday season, we are rightly thinking about ways to help others and acts of kindness we can share.
But can self-sacrificing become a problem?
Problematic self-sacrificing quiz
Here is a little quiz to check whether your self-sacrificing is slightly out of control:
Do you always do what others want, just to keep the peace?
Do you find that you are the one who gives the lifts, foots the bill or takes the extra work?
Do you tend to give more time and energy in relationships than you get in return?
Do you feel guilty when you say no to someone?
Do you struggle to express your opinions in case you offend someone?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you are not alone. In fact, most of these examples are things that all of us do at various points in our life.
The only problem is if we find ourselves doing these self-sacrificing behaviours ALL the time in ALL of our relationships. Then, our inner self-sacrificer is essentially controlling us. The result is we might begin to feel disempowered, resentful and trapped.
So, how do you moderate your self-sacrificing tendencies from all the time to now and then?
Keep reading for my tips on coping with your inner self-sacrificer.
1. Learn to say no, and practice
When a client with self-sacrifice problems comes to me in therapy, one of the first things I notice is that they struggle to say no. Often, they would rather put themselves in stressful and unhappy situations than refuse a responsibility or decline a request. The problem is, if you are unable to say no, then you don’t have healthy boundaries in your life (read here). Suddenly, your manager is delegating extra tasks and you are working overtime every day. Or, your friend is inviting you out every weekend and even though you are broke and tired you keep going. And maybe you can’t even hang up on the telemarketer, so you end up signing onto a new phone contract without meaning to.
No.
It’s a tiny word with big impact. The thing with any uncomfortable or scary experience is that it gets easier with practice. First, it may feel unsettling to turn down that request or refuse that offer. But with time, the feeling of relief outweighs the feeling of obligation.
It’s healthy to have boundaries between yourself and other people. People will begin to respect that you are not always available for them and their needs. Of course, you won’t say no to everything, but that healthy dose of ‘no’ will make you a happier and healthier person.
2. Take turns putting yourself first
Many of us are in situations where we have to put others first. Think about parents with their kids, managers with their teams, caring for someone with a disability or helping a friend in need. If we didn’t put others first then it could be potentially harmful to that person, or damaging to the relationship.
But it’s impossible to sustain a situation where we are always putting someone else’s needs and priorities before our own. Eventually, we will be left completely depleted, drained and stressed. We need time to recharge and care for ourselves.
So, it’s important to take turns putting ourselves first.
Even though this might be more the exception than the rule, we can still find ways to put ourselves first, whether that be organising a babysitter so date night is possible, accepting care or respite, taking a holiday or even making our home environment clean and comfortable (read here). If you are a ‘yes’ person who tends to take on everything, it might mean also saying ‘no’ for a change. It’s all about finding the balance.
3. Remind yourself that it’s not selfish to self-care
One thing that self-sacrificers are really good at is feeling guilty. Guilty for ‘letting down the team,’ ‘being selfish’ or ‘not doing as much as we should.’ Even when we are feeling depleted, used, overworked and stressed, the little voice in our head will tell us to keep going. Ultimately, we are being controlled by our guilt and the fear of seeming ‘selfish’ if we say no to someone.
But guilt is not a good motivation for doing anything!
Being kind, helping others and putting other peoples’ needs first are things we should do out of generosity, willingness and because we care about someone. Doing these things because we feel we ‘have to’ is just being controlled by pure guilt.
We can’t be slaves to our sense of guilt, so sometimes we have to put ourselves first. That’s not selfish, that’s being a healthy person. And when we start seeing how saying no, putting in boundaries and prioritising ourselves are healthy things to do, that’s when we begin to find the balance between self-sacrificing and self-care.
Wishing you a safe and happy Christmas! Remember to be kind to others, but also to be kind to yourself.
