Have you ever met someone who was able to capture the attention of everyone in the room? Maybe it’s that friend who tells the best stories at dinner parties, that coworker who gives engaging presentations or that podcaster who you could listen to all day. It’s a gift and a skill to know how to communicate effectively and how to talk so people will listen.
As a psychologist, effective communication is really important in my job. I’m always considering ways that I can communicate better, speak confidently and clearly and get people to listen. I’ve also learn’t that an important part of communicating effectively is really stopping and listening to what the other person has to say. Effective communication is really about building better understanding between people. Here are my top 5 tips on how to talk so people will listen (and understand!)
Tip 1: Adjust Your Tone So People Will Listen
If you want to learn how to talk powerfully, then consider the tone your voice. I truly believe that it’s not what you say, but how you say it, which is the key for talking in a way that makes people listen.
For example, if I want to invite someone to an event, and say in an off-handed way;
“Hey, you probably don’t care about this, but there is this thing on tomorrow, if you want to come. It’s not a big deal and probably not that exciting…”
What do you think the other person would be thinking and feeling? Probably not enthusiastic about this event and thinking that you don’t really care about it or them coming.
If I adjusted my tone, however, to something more upbeat and engaging, I might say;
“Hi! There’s this event on tomorrow and it looks so fun, I would love for you to come if you’re free…”
The emotional and positive tone brings a higher energy to my invitation. I’ve communicated more clearly that this is something I feel excited about and naturally that would make the other person feel more interested and excited.
Tone is a real superpower in effective communication. Tone enables us to talk about deep and sensitive things without hurting other people. Tone also assists us with setting the mood so people will be either more or less receptive to listen to us.
Tip 2: Avoid Inflections and Filler words When You Talk
Have you noticed that people’s voices become higher when they are unsure about something? It also happens when we ask a question to someone (perhaps because we are unsure what the answer will be!) That’s called an inflection, and it indicates that the speaker is feeling confused or uncertain. However, sometimes people misuse or overuse inflections.
For example, ending your sentences with phrases like;
“do you know what I mean?”
or
“I think…maybe”
or
“but I’m not sure”
are all examples of inflections with filler words that reduce the power of what people are saying. If you want to talk in a way that people will listen, you want to make sure that they are taking you seriously and not doubting your opinion. You would be deeply concerned if your doctor said to you; “that mole isn’t cancerous…I think…but I’m not sure.”
While filler phrases and words like “um” and “maybe” are normal parts of conversations, they do detract from effective communication and better quality conversation. If you are communicating in such a way that suggests you aren’t really convinced by what you are saying, how can you expect to convince anyone else?
Tip 3: Adjust your body language to Communicate Effectively
Around 55% of communication is attributed to body language (read here). So, if you want to talk so people will listen to you, then try the usual tricks of opening your posture, straightening your back and lifting your chin. You will instantly appear more confident and authoritative.
There has been extensive research on the connection between body language and confidence. In fact, this Ted Talk mentions the famous ‘power pose’ which actually makes people feel more confident, and consequentially communicate better. Try doing the ‘power pose’ before a big presentation or job interview, and you will see the effects on the way that you talk, and how people listen.
Tip 4: Think About What You Are Saying So People Will Listen
This is much easier said than done. I’m definitely guilty of speaking quickly and thoughtlessly, without properly considering what I am saying. If you want to talk in such a way that people listen, then you want to be saying true and meaningful words that reflect what you really feel and believe. People can spot a fake quickly, and aren’t afraid to point out when words and actions don’t match up! In saying that, we don’t want to become too self-conscious over what we are saying, as this can lead to social anxiety and self-doubt. It’s just about striking that balance between thoughtful consideration and easygoing banter.
Bonus Tip 5: Talk about interesting things
So now you know how to talk so people will listen, what do you actually talk about? Well, you want to talk about something that will interest your listeners and entertain or educate them in some way.
Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people.
Eleanor Roosevelt
In my opinion, the best quality conversations are ones that steer clear of gossip and rumours, and focus on bigger issues. While I think it’s fine to share personal stories and events, I believe that should be balanced with interest in other people and meaningful discussions that lead to deeper awareness and new ideas. I’m always seeking ways to broaden my own mind, and have interesting things to discuss, which is why I’ve enjoyed listening to a few podcasts lately that discuss big ideas (linked below!)
Stuff You Should Know
https://open.spotify.com/show/0ofXAdFIQQRsCYj9754UFx
Honestly with Bari Weiss
Doing It Right
https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/doing-it-right-with-pandora-sykes/id1521559806
