How To Cope With Social Anxiety

Social anxiety is a fear of being judged negatively in social situations. Even the most confident of people experience some level of social anxiety when they have to give a speech in front of an audience, sit a job interview or meet their partner’s family for the first time. That’s because these experiences all involve a ‘judgement’ situation, where you are aware that someone is forming an opinion of you. In extreme cases of social anxiety, even simple social interactions like talking to a shop assistant or sitting on a bus next to a stranger can be terrifying. Whether you fall into the mild or more extreme category, it can be difficult to know how to cope with social anxiety.

Signs of Social Anxiety

Some signs that you might be socially anxious include:

– Do you feel nervous at social gatherings or parties?
– Do you struggle to share your ideas, opinions or contribute to conversations?
– Do you avoid social invitations, opting to stay at home or only see friends you know really well?
– When the attention is on you, do you find yourself shaking, blushing or sweating?
– Do you have negative thoughts about yourself (I’m stupid, I have nothing to say, I’m boring, people are judging me?)

If you answered yes to some of these questions, then you may be experiencing some social anxiety. And that is totally ok! After all, we all want people to think positively about us. Even if we don’t care about what others think, it’s still important for us to get along with our work colleagues, have the approval of our boss and the validation of our friends. That’s just basic social cooperation, and without it, we live very isolating lives. But if we care too much about what other people think of us, or we feel extremely anxious in social situations, then we may have to learn how to cope with social anxiety.

My Social Anxiety Story

I have always suffered from some social anxiety, but this became particularly bad when I started University. I struggled with the transition to a campus with thousands of students, many who were highly extroverted, intelligent and at times ‘judgy.’ Like most eighteen-year-olds, I was struggling to find my identity, clarify my values and just fit in. Sitting in a lecture hall with hundreds of strangers, I felt lonelier than ever. I began to lose my confidence and eventually my voice. My priority became to protect myself, so I stopped sharing my thoughts, opinions and personality with other people. I went into my shell and that’s basically how I survived my undergraduate degree.

However, through the process of maturity, as well as doing the necessary self-work as an adult, I learnt how to manage my social anxiety. Ironically, my job as a psychologist involves a lot of trigger points for social anxiety (constantly meeting people and being judged as ‘helpful’ or ‘competent’ by my clients and their families) however my social anxiety symptoms no longer cause me the distress that they used to.

Many of the strategies I’ve used to battle through my social anxiety are from Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). Here are some of the ways I learnt how to cope with social anxiety.

1. Stop Avoiding

An easy way for social anxiety to take over is by avoiding social situations. If you never have to interact socially, then you avoid the triggers for social anxiety.

But this isn’t a sustainable way to live!

Sooner or later, you are going to have to sit that job interview, attend that party or talk to your boss. And if you have been relying on avoidance, then those situations will be even more stressful and anxiety-provoking then they should be in reality.

The best way to overcome avoidance is by facing your fears. In psychology, this technique is called exposure. The rationale for exposure is that the more you face your fears, the less scary they become. Through repetition of an action, such as going to a party or speaking in class, the less anxiety you will feel. Eventually, the feared and previously avoided behaviour becomes habitual, like brushing teeth or walking. You barely even notice that you are doing it!

Exposure is powerful because it challenges catastrophic fears. Often, something is more scary in your head than it is in reality. The trick with exposure is to start small, and then build up. For example, if you are anxious to talk to a colleague at work, you can start by smiling at them, then saying hello the next time you see them, then saying “hello, how are you?” followed by a short conversation. When learning how to cope with social anxiety, the key is to build up to the more anxiety-provoking situations, and to gain confidence step by step.

Be Aware of Safety Behaviours!

Exposure is only truly effective if you face your fear fully. This might mean letting go of safety-behaviours (behaviours that make you feel safe in the moment but actually perpetuate avoidance). A common safety-behaviour that socially anxious people use at parties are hiding behind their phones, not saying anything or drinking too much alcohol.

Safety behaviours protect us from our fears, but they also stop us from fully facing them.

Only by putting away your phone, joining a conversation and sharing your authentic self will you actually address and improve your social anxiety.

2. Retrain Your Attention Away From Yourself

Social anxiety is very much an internal process. It centres on having negative thoughts (What if I embarrass myself? What if they judge me?) and believing those negative thoughts. Those negative thoughts can lead to catastrophic thoughts (I’m going to fail…Everyone is going to laugh at me) which can paralyse you and increase the physical symptoms of anxiety (heart racing, sweating, going red, losing our voice). This whole sequence of anxiety is happening entirely in the brain and body, with the anxious thoughts making the physical symptoms worse.

An important strategy to overcome social anxiety is to get out of your head and start focusing on what is around you. A good technique is grounding (What can I see/hear/smell/taste/feel) which reorients your attention to the present moment. Another technique is to focus on the person you are talking to (what are they saying? how are they saying it?) and be interested and engaged in whatever they are sharing with you. Watch more on retraining your attention here.

3. Practice Acceptance

My social anxiety did not magically go away one day. I still can’t control the physical symptoms of anxiety (such as my heart racing or going red) but I can cope better with the mental symptoms, such as thoughts of people judging me or negative outcomes.

When the physical symptoms of anxiety start during a presentation or a social event, I usually laugh to myself. I know my body is doing its best to protect me from something that is not actually scary or threatening. I’ve learnt to cope with the possibility of someone not liking or approving of me, and focus a little less on myself. Acceptance has been a key ingredient in feeling all the discomfort of social anxiety, but choosing to put myself out there anyway.

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By accepting that social anxiety is a normal but ongoing struggle for me and redirecting my attention to the present moment, I’ve learnt how to cope with social anxiety. I hope that these strategies help you too!