It’s not good enough. I’ve let myself down. It’s not what I expected. If I had a dollar for every time I heard someone say these phrases to me, I’d be a rich woman!
And yet, most of us have felt this way before. We are taught from a young age to push to be good, better or best. We are bombarded with messages in our personal lives and careers about ‘climbing the corporate ladder’ and reaching ‘success.’ And while striving for improvement is a noble cause, often the further we get the higher our expectations become.
Perhaps those who feel this most deeply are perfectionists. Perfectionists tend to obsess and agonise over finer details. They judge themselves harshly and others as well. They will receive 10 compliments and 1 criticism and disregard all the positive feedback for that one minor critique.
The perfectionist’s inner critic will whisper in their ear, “its just not quite good enough.”
Although some might think that being perfectionistic is an advantage, the perfectionists I have seen in my life are often disadvantaged by their inner critic, who whispers in their ear “not quite good enough.”
They hold themselves back from taking risks, just in case they fail, or worse, disappoint themselves (more on risk-taking here). They might also struggle to connect with other people, who inevitably disappoint their expectations of what should be the “perfect friend,” “perfect employee” or “perfect wife/husband” (more on relationships here).
To all the perfectionists reading this blog, I want you to know that you are not alone in feeling this way. Often the great expectations you put on yourself are a product of the pressures you experienced while growing up. It sucks, and life would have been easier without these impactful childhood experiences.
However, there are so many ways that you can manage your perfectionism so it doesn’t take over your entire life! Keep reading to find out how.
1. Set SMART goals
A trap that perfectionists often fall into is pursuing ideals, rather than clear goals. Ideals such as being the “best,” “successful” or “perfect” are very unhelpful, because they don’t have clear definitions. Will you ever really be the best at something, and what does that even mean? A much more helpful approach is setting SMART goals.
Specific
Measurable
Achievable
Relevant
Timely
SMART goals can be applied to any domain in life, but a common one is weight loss. Rather than your goal being “I want to be slim” the SMART approach would be: I want to lose weight (specific), 5 kilograms (measurable), by exercising daily (achievable), so I can improve my health and confidence (relevant), within the next 6 months (timely).
For perfectionists, I think the most challenging part of SMART goal-setting would be working out what is achievable. The temptation may be to over-estimate what is achievable, due to self-pressures. But hopefully by talking through their SMART goals with a friend or reflecting on the mental and physical costs of over-achieving, this may moderate what a perfectionist feels is genuinely achievable (more on goals here).
2. Get comfortable with the risk of failing
Perfectionism manifests in different ways in different people. But one of those ways is fearing judgement from other people. What happens if I “let them down” or “disappoint them” are questions that my perfectionistic clients often bring to therapy. They may fear disappointing a parent, teacher, manager or coach who pushes them to be the best (more on caring what others think here).
In therapy, the best way to overcome fears is a strategy called exposure. Exposure is based on the principle of habituation– the first time you expose yourself to something you fear it’s terrifying, but if you repeat that action every day for a year it becomes slightly less terrifying. Perfectionists can also overcome their fears of failing, especially in front of other people, through exposure experiments.
It might be about handing in a report that’s not 100% perfect to your boss and seeing if they notice. It might be about asking your coach for honest feedback on your performance, rather than stressing about what they are secretly thinking. It might be sharing an unfinished project with a friend or family member.
These situations might be uncomfortable, but they also challenge perfectionistic impulses, expose you to your fears and habituate you to the risk of being judged. Suddenly, it becomes less scary!
3. Prioritise what to be perfectionistic about
To all my perfectionistic readers out there, in addition to giving you a big hug I also want to give you a nice reality slap- you can’t be perfect at everything!
If you apply perfectionism to all aspects of your life (physical health, hobbies, relationships, career) you are going to end up an incredibly disappointed and guilt-ridden person. It’s physically impossible for you to be everywhere at once, and so you are going to have to prioritise what really matters to you.
If you are perfectionistic about performing in your career, then put all your energies and resources into that and accept that your side hobbies are going to be less than perfect, which is okay!
I hope these strategies for managing perfectionism and great expectations were helpful to you!