What is Codependency? How to Fix a Codependent Relationship
When a romantic relationship begins, it can take over our entire world. I think everyone can relate to either being in a new relationship, or a friend of ours starting a relationship, and suddenly not being able to function properly.
That’s just falling in love, right?
We have to shake our heads and laugh at ourselves and others in a ‘new love’ phase, because it’s a very human experience.
Physiologically, our limbic system is highly activated when we fall in love, and our brains are producing higher levels of dopamine, which is why looking at, talking about and being with that person makes us feel so good.
But, interestingly, this research from Harvard also shows that falling in love is associated with an increase in the stress hormone of cortisol, which is produced when we are in a crisis! That’s why new love might also result in feeling highly anxious, intrusive and consuming thoughts, fears around something going wrong and poor decision-making capacity.
Maybe that’s where we get the word lovesick from…
It’s understandable that this complex love experience, that is literally impacting our bodies and brains, might be overwhelming. But it’s also in the throes of new love and the early stages of a relationship when we are at risk of losing our personal identity and creating a dynamic of codependency.
What is Codependency?
In my blog post on problem relationship dynamics, I wrote briefly about what codependency is and how to watch out for this dynamic in a relationship. But I think this quote from one of my favourite historic French intellectuals sums it up:
People should not be joined and glued to us so strongly that they cannot be detached without tearing off our skin and some part of our flesh as well
Montaigne
Codependency is about being so close that there is almost a physical level of pain in separation.
What are the Signs of Codependency?
Codependency, in a romantic relationship, can look like:
Neglecting all other responsibilities and priorities
Compromising on health, sleep and self-care
Forgetting commitments
Feeling unable to go to events/occasions without your partner
Only being able to talk about your partner/relationship
Reduced enjoyment with other people/activities
Over-relying on your partner/relationship for support or enjoyment
Feeling overly anxious when your partner isn’t present
Being overly concerned with your partner’s approval and trying to do everything for them or around their needs
Feeling guilty for putting in boundaries or doing things for yourself
Looking at the above list, most of those behaviours and feelings are almost inevitable in the beginning stages of a relationship, even if they aren’t the healthiest. However, when it comes to navigating a long-term relationship, staying within this co-dependent dynamic can cause a lot of issues.
Apart from the pressure that codependency puts on the relationship itself, it can also result in a lot of damage to other relationships/friendships, feelings of unworthiness and ultimately regret for not living a well-rounded and balanced life.
A codependent dynamic is also really dangerous in the event of a relationship going sour or ending. People who have lived for years with codependency are left wondering – who the hell am I?
How to Stop being Codependent
So, if you are in a new relationship and want to avoid falling into the trap of codependency, or if you are in a long-term relationship and want to change a codependent dynamic, there are a few steps you can take.
Firstly, take a look at the different areas of your life. I like to do this with my patients using a ‘bulls-eye’ rating exercise. Consider how close you are to reaching your full potential or feeling satisfied in these areas, and where you might need to start putting a bit more effort. This is a great way of reflecting on some areas you might have neglected, and what is meaningful to you outside of your romantic relationship.
Secondly, reflect on the person you were before the relationship. How did you like to spend your time? Who were your closest friends? How often did you see your family? What things in life brought you joy? This is about getting more in touch with yourself and your own personal identity. It’s okay to think back and consider how much has changed too, but it’s important to reconnect with your past self and remember what used to be important to you.
Finally, decide where you would like to start making some changes. While you don’t need to leap into an extreme like solo travels or avoiding your partner, you might want to carve out some time to yourself or reconnect with old friends and hobbies. If that feels too scary, then ask yourself what is holding you back – is it fear of damaging your relationship, insecurity about less time together or feeling anxious to do things alone again? These concerns can be talked through with a trusted friend or therapist, as well as with your partner too!
Ultimately, breaking free from codependency is a hugely positive step, both for yourself and your relationship. In exploring who you are outside of a relationship, you can create better balance in the many different parts of your life. You can also learn how to cope and thrive independently, which puts a lot less pressure on your partner. In this way, you reach a healthier kind of love, which feels less like being lovesick and more like a balance of self and other love.
