One of the bestselling books of all time is called ‘How to win friends and influence people.’ Despite being published in 1936, this self-help book continues to be popular and relevant today. I guess that nearly a century on, we are still wondering how to win people over.
It seems that winning people over requires a balanced approach. If we are too friendly, we can come across as annoying or fake. If we are too accommodating, we can seem like a doormat or a people-pleaser (read here). If we are too honest we might hurt someone’s feelings, but if we lack honesty then people will struggle to trust us.
Some might argue that trying to win others over is a manipulative game. But, realistically, winning people over is a normal thing we do in our daily lives. Anything from a job interview, sales pitch, managing a team or even just getting along with people requires getting them to like and respect you on some level.
Keep reading to find out my advice on how to win people over, while maintaining your authentic self.
1. Confidence
Confidence and charisma are incredibly appealing qualities. A self-confident person believes in their own abilities, is resilient, usually high in self-esteem and has a positive outlook to life (see more here). It’s no mystery why confident people are treated better in the workplace, often succeed in their careers and make social connections easily. They aren’t afraid to put themselves out there, and say yes to life, and so naturally more opportunities come their way.
So, if you want to show confidence to win people over, there are a few simple techniques you can try.
Firstly, speak loudly and clearly, so people will listen to what you have to say and take it seriously.
Secondly, stand up straight and make eye–contact when you talk to someone to appear convincing (there is a complex evolutionary reason behind this, as explained here).
Finally, own your mistakes when you make them, and learn from them as you go. Confidence is not to be confused with cockiness, and you will win people over if you are accepting of your flaws and willing to learn from your mistakes.
2. Warmth
People who are warm are wonderful to be around. They are relaxing and comforting, like a cup of tea on a cold night! We all have that friend who gives the best hugs, speaks kind words and makes us feel safe and secure. Generally, warmth is a desirable personality trait and helps us to win people over.
If you want to be warmer, then try the following strategies.
Firstly, soften your tone and speak in a gentler, kinder way.
Secondly, try to use open body language, such as facing the person you are talking to and letting your arms hang by your side rather than crossing them, which might appear aggressive or distant.
Finally, be affectionate, in whatever way comes most naturally to you. It might be squeezing the arm of a friend, or playfully joking with a colleague, but these signs of affection signify that you are a warm and approachable person.
3. Agreeableness
One of the famous big-five in personality traits is agreeableness. Similar to people high in warmth, those who are high in agreeableness tend to have more success in winning people over. This is because they care about other people, are cooperative and friendly.
Showing that you are an agreeable person is particularly helpful in a work environment, because you will be considered a team-player and someone unlikely to cause conflict.
If you want to improve your agreeableness, then try to be a good listener. Focus on what others are saying and learn when to share your thoughts and opinions, and when to keep them to yourself!
Unlike disagreeable people who are always ready to start a fight, agreeable people are willing to let small things slide and focus on the bigger picture.
4. Effort
Finally, a great way you can win people over is by making effort. It might be winning your boss over by putting effort into your work performance. Or winning a friend over by making the effort to remember their birthday or anniversary.
Even showing your appreciation for someone with a small gift or listening to them are ways that you can put effort into a relationship, and win them over. People respect those who are willing to put in the effort, regardless of whether they are hugely successful or not.
At the end of the day, we are all trying to win people over, because it helps us to connect in relationships and succeed in life. I hope these tips help you strike the balance when trying to win people over.
