We often live in fear of what others think of us. We wonder whether colleagues think we are smart enough, attractive and successful. We wonder whether our friends think we are generous enough and good company. We wonder whether strangers on the street think we are normal (especially when we randomly start singing aloud while listening to music).
Maybe you can relate to this anxiety and concern over what others think of you. Maybe it gets in the way of you feeling happy everyday (see here for some other advice about this). The thing is, caring about what others think is a totally normal experience, but it’s also a very unhelpful one.
Why do we care about what others think of us?
Many would argue that caring about other people’s opinion of ourselves is an evolutionary trait that helped us survive. To be a part of the ‘group’ was important for our survival, as they gave us access to food, shelter, resources and safety when the wild animals attacked.
Historically, our chances of survival were simply better when there were other people around to protect us. Which meant that we had to be somewhat agreeable to be a part of the group. It was desirable for us to be thought of in a good way by others, because then they would let us stay with them, and our survival chances would increase.
Why should we stop caring what others think of us?
But times have changed!! We are no longer living in the environment our ancestors were in, and being overly-concerned about other people’s opinion of us doesn’t aid our survival anymore, it just makes us miserable people!
Caring too much what others think paralyses us, because we are constantly trying to please or impress, rather than focussing on our own personal growth.
Emily Maher- The Female Brief
The point is, our brains are still hardwired to operate in this way, where they obsess over what others think of us. Its why we become scared of offending people, fixate on the one person at work that doesn’t seem to like us (and ignore the load of people who do!) and continue to fear criticism and judgement from others.
Basically, caring too much what others think paralyses us, because we are constantly trying to please or impress, rather than focussing on our own personal growth and development. I also believe that caring what others think too much can be a sign of low self-esteem, so click here if you feel that you need to improve your confidence in who you are, because you are damn special!
When we start to feel confident in who we are, what we stand for and are proud of ourselves, caring about what others think suddenly seems silly and trivial.
How to stop caring what others think
- Practice acceptance. At the end of the day, you can’t control what other people feel and think. If they want to be angry at you, then they will be angry. If they are the type that is easily offended, then inevitably they will become offended- and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. But this is liberating! By letting go of the desire for control, we can accept that people have their own unique viewpoints, struggles and ways of viewing the world, and it’s not up to us to fix them.
- Focus on your personal goals and values. I find this tip really helpful in guiding my interactions with other people. Ultimately, I try to live my life in a way that reflects what I feel is important and right. I used to be a big people-pleaser, but after years of personal growth, I realised that the only thing that will make me happy is living a life that reflects my personal values, not those of the people I am around.
- Surround yourself with supportive people. If you are truly worried about what certain friends think of you, and you fear rejection/judgement/abandonment from them, then you have to consider, are these people genuine friends? Ultimately, good, solid friends will stick by you, even if you disagree with their opinions, offend them in some way or choose to live by your personal values. So, surround yourself with people who know that you don’t care what they think, and are okay with that.
As is evident, I am super passionate about this topic! It’s one that often comes up in my personal relationships and with my counselling clients as well. In both cases, I encourage people to focus on living their own best life, rather than a life trying to please, satisfy or impress other people.
By the same token, learning to stop caring what other people think of you isn’t about shutting others out of your life. It’s still important to be open to listening to the opinions and advice of people you trust and value. But, when you stop caring what the larger world thinks of you, you have the key to a happier, more care-free life!
