Is it possible to feel happy every day? Well, that depends. For some people, happiness is determined by the external situations of their life. For others, happiness is a state of mind, defined by a choice to exist in a certain way, regardless of what life throws at you. In today’s blog post I’ve compiled some simple strategies, many of them derived from a therapy mode called Acceptance Commitment Therapy, that can teach you how to feel happy every day through modifying your thoughts and behaviours.
1. Follow Your Values
If you want to learn how to feel happy everyday, then a good start is to engage in meaningful activities that reflect your values. When we are living by our values, we experience a sense of balance in our lives, purpose in what we are doing and a stronger sense of self. If you are unsure what your values are, it might be helpful to do a reflective exercise, like this one, where you rate the different domains of life (family, work, relationships, leisure, spirituality), how meaningful they are to you and how closely you are living in line with your values in these areas.
For example, if family is one of your values, are you spending enough time with your loved ones? Do you have quality time or good conversations? When was the last time you had a family holiday or planned something together?
Living in a way that is disconnected from our values is often where we start feeling unhappy or discontent with life. But the good news is we can make active decisions to bridge the gaps between our values and what is happening in our lives. When we are fully living by our values, then we move towards self-actualisation, which is a psychological process of maximising our potential and achieving our goals (read more on self-actualisation here).
For me, self-actualisation led to quitting my 9 -5 job, so that I could better be connected with my values of quality time with my family, work-life balance and creativity (writing this blog!) And while there are always sacrifices when we make life changes to live better by our values, on the whole it does lead to a greater sense of self-actualisation and happiness in life.
2. Let Go of Negativity
When we feel unhappy, more often than not, it is usually because of our negative thoughts rather than the situations that triggered those thoughts.
Imagine two people waiting for a bus. As the bus approaches the stop, it doesn’t slow down, and instead powers through the traffic lights completely missing the stop.
One person becomes visibly angry and upset, thinking to themselves, “Why does this always happen to me? Now I’m going to be late for work, my boss will be ticked off, everyone will judge me for being late and I’m going to have the worst day ever.”
The other person is also annoyed at first that the bus missed the stop, but then takes a deep breath, accepts that there is nothing they can do to control this situation, drops a quick line to their boss that they are running late and uses the extra time to buy a coffee.
Same situation, but two very different reactions.
Often, it is not the external world, but our internal world that can really affect our happiness experience. Of course, it’s normal to feel angry or annoyed when things don’t go to plan or unfortunate situations happen. However, it’s our choice whether to add to those feelings with negative thoughts, judgements of others or self-criticisms.
When we give less power to negativity, we are able to more effectively move forward from unwanted situations, and make space to feel happy again.
3. Stop Chasing Happiness!
In Russ Harris’ book The Happiness Trap, he writes about how chasing happiness actually leads to feeling less happy everyday. That’s because when we chase the feeling of happiness, we often engage in avoidance (running away from painful things or repressing emotions) and pleasure-seeking behaviours (which feel good in the short-term, but make us feel less happy in the long term).
Both avoidance and pleasure-seeking behaviours disconnect us from our values, because they stop us from creating long-term meaning, purpose and fulfilment in our lives. Russ suggests a three-step process to get out of the trap of chasing happiness (and making ourselves unhappy in the process).
1. Create some goals
2. Choose goals that reflect your core values
3. Bring willingness to life
Willingness is the experience of saying ‘yes’ to life. Willingness is accepting that every day life will have both pleasurable and painful moments, and moving towards your goals regardless. Finally, willingness is not about outcomes or situations in life, it is about bringing an accepting approach to the process.
I hope these strategies teach you how to feel happy every day, by creating and living your valued life!
