How to overcome self-criticism

Have you ever doubted yourself? Maybe you compared yourself to someone else and felt less than them. Or have you ever obsessed over a past mistake, beating yourself up for what you should have done? Maybe there is a constant stream of negative thoughts in your head, telling you why you are not good enough, smart enough or pretty enough. These are all examples of self-criticism. And they are dangerous! It’s important to know how to overcome self-criticism when it pops up, as it can have damaging impacts on your overall confidence and happiness.

Self-criticism is an internal, mental experience. Often, we are engaging in self-critical thought patterns without even realising it!

I see this unconscious habit often in my counselling clients, where they are quick to judge themselves, call themselves ‘stupid’ or apologise for something they don’t need to apologise for. Their self-confidence is low and their self-criticism is high (which is a very unhelpful but common combination!).

So how do we overcome self-criticism?

Like changing any bad habit (read here) we start by becoming aware of the triggers and cues.

Start by paying attention to where and when your self-critical thoughts are triggered. It may be when you open your work diary, and begin to feel panicked or anxious about the day ahead. Or when you are at a party with people you don’t know well. Maybe it’s with your family, your colleagues or your friends. As you increase your awareness of the situations in which your self-critical voice is triggered, you can begin to ask yourself why it is triggered. You can also prepare yourself better for these situations.

Learn to talk back to the self-criticism

Once you have awareness, you don’t have to keep listening to the self-critical voice in your head. Like bad talk-back radio, you can hit the off switch (or at least pause it) or change the radio station. Your new radio station might sound something like this:

Right now, your self-critical voice has been triggered. That’s okay, its normal for this to happen, but its saying a lot of things that aren’t true or helpful. Now is a good time to remind yourself that you are loved. You accept yourself as you are, and commit to doing your best every day. Sometimes things don’t go the way you planned, but that’s okay, that’s life! You are unique, with your own special qualities (list them here) and you know that encouraging yourself is way better than putting yourself down.

What is the point of self-criticism?

If self-criticism is so unhelpful, why do we do it? Well, thoughtful reflection can be a good way for us to reflect on past mistakes and try to avoid them in the future. Sometimes we do need to confront our negative aspects and realise they are unhelpful and need to change. Unfortunately, self-criticism can become unproductive if we just keep mulling over why we are bad in some way without doing anything about it. Ultimately, self-criticism doesn’t help us prepare for the future, it just keeps us stuck in the past!

So the key is to transform your self-criticism into course correction. This means doing less blaming and judging and focusing more on what positive changes you can make for the future. For example, if you want to become more confident in job interviews, you can take a course, practice or read material on preparing for an interview. Rather than being stuck in the “I can’t do it” or “I’m bad at it” mindset, you make intentional choices to improve in this area!

You can also make a conscious effort to increase your positive self-talk. Take the time every day to reflect on everything you have to be thankful for and say these things aloud to yourself, or write them down. For just fifteen minutes a day you can also do something positive like help a friend, cook a nice meal, talk to someone who you admire or do some exercise. Just by making a conscious effort to be positive, you will increase your confidence and self-esteem which in turn will lessen your self- criticism. After all, we all feel better about ourselves when we know we are making a positive contribution.

I hope these strategies help you learn how to overcome self-criticism in your own life, and inspire you to make the positive changes that will lead you to becoming the person you want to be!

If you want to learn more about self-criticism, then read here!